A man claiming to be Michael Jackson’s final lover has come forward. You read that right: A man came forward.  Not a boy. Let’s all take a second to regroup after that bombshell.

… …

Okay, his name is Jason Pfeiffer,  he’s the CEO of a medical company, and he’s the fetching bloke below that you’ve been ogling since this page loaded.

In order to push the envelope in researching for this post, I went to this site. Pfeiffer’s and Jackson’s initial bond? Michael was feeling a little vulnerable, so Jason applied gentle pressure in the form of physical contact and empathy. (Gets ‘em every time. *wink*)

Pfeiffer’s interview unearthed a cock-hardening wealth of inside info. For instance: “There are different levels of boyfriends, I suppose.” I don’t know what the low end of that scale is, but you can bet the highest level is labeled ‘FUX DELISH’. Pfeiffer went on to say of Michael: “He was very passionate. He was very sexual.” The interview should have cut to the squealing pig scene from ‘Deliverance’ at this point.

Instead, Jason Pfeiffer proves himself an unheralded master of the understatement with this gem: “I just assumed he was probably bisexual.” It doesn’t even matter if he’s telling the truth or not, I now assume Jason is completely fucked in the head either way. (No pun intended.)

 What the worth of a  Pop Kingdom if you can’t pull better ass than this ‘Dune’ worm?

“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”

BONUS: An actual comment from that page: “Jason do everyone a favor and follow Evan Chandler to hell….”

MICHIGAN — 32-year-old Norma Lira has three children with her husband. When her teenage daughter brought a male friend home one day last year, Norma was attracted to the new young man. “I’m gonna end up blowing that kid,” she thought. So she did.

Admit it: Slap some real eyebrows on her and you’d tap it.

Norma tried to hide the secret from her husband, but most women are emotional wrecks and it’s easy to read them. Her husband knew something was wrong, and (hopefully) beat a confession out of her. Afterward, he called the police and reported her crimes.

As of yesterday, Norma was being held at Oakland County Jail on a $50,000 bond, “after she turned herself in following a month-long investigation.” Her arraignment was set for today, but no updates have been posted.

Fun Fact: If you rearrange Norma Lira’s name, you get Roman Lair.

There should be a prison built specifically for MILFs like this. The MILF prison would have special cameras installed in the showers and toilets. The inmates would be forced to maintain their “hotness” through rigorous diet and exercise — and they would have to be naked all the time. They would also be forced to MILF Fight.

In a MILF Fight, I would pit Norma Lira against Michelle Kemp, a 30-year-old MILF from Florida who was charged last year with having sex with a teenager and giving him drugs.

Michelle Kemp, lookin’ good in stripes. My boner says, “hi.”

I’m shocked there isn’t MILF prison in existence already, especially in this day and age when all good ideas are taken. I nominate myself to be the warden of this facility if it ever gets built. I also forgot to mention all the MILFs have to share one bed — with me.

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After being arrested more than once for helicoptering his cock in plain view of nearby day care centers, police are searching for Larry Booker because he failed to show up for a probation violation hearing yesterday. Booker’s probation officer reported that he did not register as a sex offender or enter a court-ordered treatment program.

In prior arrests, Booker told police he was covered in oil because his skin was dry.

This just goes to show how many different unique sexual fetishes that exist: Some dudes expose themselves to unsuspecting women, while others enjoy flashing children. Larry Booker prefers to flash women while they pick up their children from day care — and he likes his body to glisten with slippery oil while he does it.

If Ashy Larry from Chappelle’s Show and the greased-up deaf guy from Family Guy fell in love and had sex, their miracle child would be Flashy Larry, aka Larry Booker.

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UNITED KINGDUMB — Madeleine Martin, 39, was recently sentenced to 32 months in prison after pleading guilty to 10 counts of causing a teenage boy to engage in sexytime.

Madeleine first “crossed the line” with the 15-year-old male student after connecting with him on a social networking site. After several weeks of chatting online, their relationship evolved into a sexual one:

WEEK 1 (ONLINE)

SexyTeacher69: Hey Timmy, great job on your Religion exam today.
Pimples420: thx
SexyTeacher69:You’re a very smart boy. You’re probably very strong too.
Pimples420: yeah i guess, gotta run bye
Pimples420 has signed off.
SexyTeacher69:*sigh*

WEEK 4 (ONLINE)

SexyTeacher69: I noticed you’re struggling in class this week, Timmy.
Pimples420: sorry mrs. martin, i’ve just had a lot on my mind.
SexyTeacher69: You can call me Madeleine. I’m not married.
Pimples420: yeah but ur my teacher lol
SexyTeacher69: Only for a few more months when you go to 10th grade

WEEK 8 (ONLINE)

Pimples420: what r u doing awake?
SexyTeacher69: Grading papers. How about you? You have school tomorrow.
Pimples420: i’m bored
SexyTeacher69: Would you like to come over and help me grade papers?
Pimples420: depends on what ur wearing. lol just kiddin
SexyTeacher69: I’m not wearing anything.
Pimples420: omfg asdkjffff address plz?
SexyTeacher69: 25 Grassfield Way in Knutsford. Don’t get too excited lol. I don’t know what you have in mind, but we’re only grading papers
Pimples420: i googled it. be right over.
Pimples420 has signed off.

The teacher and student had sex multiple times until the kid called it quits a week later. Then he told his mother. Mom freaked out and called the police.

I hope I’m not the only person who thinks that 32 months in prison is a harsh punishment for Madeleine Martin. She’s not a perverted male gym teacher that rapes little girls — she’s just a horny middle-aged woman that fell victim to dick vapor.

I defined dick vapor back in June 2009 as: A colorless, tasteless, odorless vapor that rises from teenage boys’ crotches. The vapor has been proven to attract female high school teachers, hungry for a slightly-underaged erection.

This statement holds true today because 72 people have approved it’s definition at UrbanDictionary.com — 2 people disapproved, but they are severely retarded.

We need an alternative punishment for female teachers who sleep with teenage students. If anything, they are providing them with safe, hands-on sexual education and experience — and that’s something the entire world could benefit from at 15.

I lost my virginity at age 15 and it lasted 3 miserable seconds. I regret it every day.

I propose an “Adopt-A-Decent-Looking-Teacher-With-A-Sex-Addiction” program. Now.

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“I just love animals. A lot. Like, way more than normal.” – Kenneth Pinyan

Unfortunately, Kenneth never got to brag about his fame because he died of a perforated colon shortly after the horse (pictured above) destroyed his anus.

Kenneth’s video coupled with the news of his “tragic” death scared a lot of horse fuckers (zoophiles). “You can die from a giant horse erection being shoved into your intestinal tract?”

Yet the horse-touching continues.

SOUTH CAROLINA — Rodell Vereen has been arrested for the second time in a year for having sex with Barbara Kenley’s horse, Sugar. On July 19th, Rodell was caught on surveillance tape standing on a haystack behind Sugar and thrusting himself into her.

“Police kept telling me it couldn’t be the same guy,” Barbara told reporters Wednesday. “I couldn’t believe that there were two guys going around doing this to the same horse.”

The police were wrong and Barbara knew it. Armed with a shotgun, she spent several nights in Sugar’s stable. On Monday night, Rodell returned. Barbara chased Rodell back to his truck, where she held him at gunpoint until police arrived and arrested him.

After police watched Barbara’s video footage, Rodell was charged with buggery — vaginal intercourse by either a man or a woman with an animal.

“At least it was a female horse” is the only defending statement I can come up with.

This is Rodell’s second buggery offense — he was sentenced to three years of probation last year for having sex with the same horse. He was also ordered to stay away from the horse stables and declared a sex offender.

Women have been having sex with donkeys and horses for decades, but every time a guy wants to have some equestrial love adventures, people get all “Ewww” about it. America has way too many double standards — Horses need love too.

Bonus mugshot:

You can find anything on Erotic Services. How about a platonic cuddle session with a hairy man dressed in a banana costume? Want to make some money simply by rubbing ointment on the ass blisters of a lonely widow? At Craigslist, anything’s possible. And it’s usually safe.

There are exceptions, of course. For instance, Philip Markoff set up erotic appointments over Craigslist with women in the Boston area, and then robbed them at gunpoint. He also murdered his second victim, earning him the nickname “The Craigslist Douchebag Killer.”

Thanks for ruining Craigslist, dick!

All it takes is one lousy murder, and everybody starts freaking out like they’re next. Craigslist has recently began feeling the pressure to start moderating ads that are sexual. You see, while they don’t promote sexual solicitation on the site, they technically allow it. So last night, rather than shutting down their Erotic Services ad section, Craigslist replaced it with the similar-sounding “Adult Services.”

Here’s the difference between the old Erotic Services and the new Adult Services:

Ten bucks for a censored ad? Psh! The addition of moderators will only ensure that the new ads will be even more cryptic. For instance, an older ad for a blowjob was FREE, and it would say something like, “…Looking for a nice girl to suck me,” but you can’t do that anymore. Now, you have to pay $10 and say something cryptic like, “Looking to have a sandwich in the park with a giraffe.” That’s the new undercover Craigslist slang for a blowjob.

And does any of this make me any safer at the end of the day? Nope, it doesn’t because either way, I’m going to have that sandwich in the park with a giraffe.

If you ever had the chance to bang one of the girls from the pop group “No Angels,” you can consider yourself lucky… lucky that you don’t have AIDS. Nadja Benaissa, a member of No Angels, was arrested a couple of weeks ago after an ex-lover accused her of giving him HIV.

Thank God the blonde is still clean. I got my eye on her.

According to Wikipedia, Nadja is “facing charges of grievous bodily harm as she is alleged to have had unprotected sex with three people between 2004 and 2006, having not informed them she was HIV positive. At least one of the men later tested positive for HIV, allegedly as a result of having intercourse with her. If found guilty she could face up to 10 years in prison.”

DO NOT confuse No Angels with the similar all-female pop band “All Saints,” from England. You could have sex with these girls all day and not get HIV. As for herpes, I can’t promise anything.

All Saints milked success from the Spice Girls in 1999.

It’s a good thing Nadja’s group is called “No Angels,” instead of “Four Angels,” because nobody would ever believe one of the angels has HIV.

Instead of imprisoning her for 10 years, Nadja should just be tattooed and released back into the wild. She should at least still have the right to fuck other people with HIV, or people who can’t read the warning on her forehead.