1) I found pictures of Tila Tequila performing topless on stage moments before the mob of juggalos chased her and security into a trailer. You know you want to see boobs.

As for the second reason, there isn’t one. “Boobs” is the only reason I need for anything.

As you can see in the photos above, Tila had not been struck in the face with anything prior to going topless. It wasn’t until she exposed her tits that the situation grew too dangerous to perform. It is a very rare phenomenon for naked breasts to fail at putting a smile on a man’s face, and even more rare when a violent reaction occurs.

I spent hours trying to figure it out: “Why did the juggalos get more violent when Tila’s jugs came out? It just doesn’t make sense.” With no answers in sight, I tried to imagine myself as an angry juggalo — still nothing. Finally, I went on Youtube and watched a Tila Tequila music video. All of a sudden, everything was clear to me.

Have you ever actually heard a Tila Tequila song? I didn’t think so. I have though, and I regret it more than anything I’ve done in a long time — and I do a lot of regretful things. I once let fire ants crawl into my peehole, and pissing them out didn’t cause as much pain as that Tila Tequila song did to my ear drums. I actually contemplated suicide.

Imagine if Ke$ha sang a rap song while getting gang banged by a Nickelback cover band. Meanwhile, a drunk Paris Hilton, suspended in the air by a harness, is shitting on all of them from above and recording the sound on her iPhone with the T-Pain auto-tune app.

It’s seriously that bad. And if you don’t believe me, the photo below is final proof that even tits can’t save Tila Tequila’s music career. Still though, I cant help but think that she would’ve gained some juggalo respect if she had put some clown makeup on her nipples.

The juggalos displayed a powerful immunity to naked female breasts.

Editor’s Note: I had nothing to do with the censored nipples in the bottom photo.

Update: A reader name Andrew submitted this video from Newsky.com. It explains how Tila was warned that an attack on her was imminent, but she refused to withdrawal. Watch the video, and try not to be bothered by the stench of desperation.

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Multisource political news, world news, and entertainment news analysis by Newsy.com

ILLINOIS — On Saturday, hundreds of annoyed concertgoers attacked Tila Tequila during a performance, hurling everything from rocks to human feces at her. She was injured after getting struck in the face numerous times and had to be whisked away by security before she was stoned, raped, and beaten to death by a bunch of juggalos.

Tila is now threatening legal action against Psychopathic Records, organizers of the annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival — the festival she was performing at that night. In addition to suffering cuts and bruises, her SUV windows were smashed out.

According to Tila, the crowd was hostile toward her before she even got on stage. Once everyone knew who the performer was, they made it clear that she wasn’t welcome. But rather than canceling the show for her own safety, she got on stage, took her shirt off, and heckled the crowd for several minutes while the items thrown at her got bigger.

Secret: I added the facepaint to the guy on the right. He looks way more like a juggalo now.

“You guys are all drunk as fuck and I love it,” she shouted into the mic. How dare she? Juggalos don’t get drunk — they drink Faygo. She should have done her research first.

Moments later, people were scooping shit out of the portable toilets and flinging it on stage. Throwing your own shit is typically a sign of insanity, but throwing someone else’s shit… it takes pure hate to do that. That’s how much the crowd hated Tila Tequila.

“She was taunting them,” a witness said. “She didn’t know how to handle the crowd.”

Searching desperately for a real fan amongst the sea of juggalos, but having no luck, Tila fell back on her most basic survival technique — showing her tits. When that failed, she was utterly confused and crestfallen. Her tits had never failed her before.

By this point, Tila was visibly bleeding from her face. Security was eventually overcome by the juggalos, and she was chased topless backstage. “Perhaps I should not have come to this place,” she thought to herself in a wise English accent.

Method Man is also threatening legal action against Psychopathic Records. He too was showered with objects during his set at the festival, and continued to rap despite visible wounds on his face. He maintained some dignity by keeping his shirt on the whole time.

“Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit!” Unless it’s just a solo member, then go ahead.

Tila Tequila probably deserved every rock and piece of excrement that was thrown at her, but what happened to her wasn’t totally fair… to us. I demand the juggalos pay dearly for their actions — or should I say lack of action. Seriously, how hard could it be for a few people to push past security and toss a 90-pound Asian girl to the wolves?

The world came very close to getting rid of Tila Tequila, thanks to the juggalos, but all I’m hearing are complaints about them. If anything, this has changed my mind about juggalos. I think I might actually start hanging out with — LOL JUST KIDDING.

Police are reviewing video evidence from the festival, trying to figure out who threw the rocks and bottles. The suspect they are looking for is a person with a stupid-looking haircut and face paint, which coincidentally is the description of everyone at the festival.

I think we should all just let this one go.

Sources: 1, 2

We now have photos of the two officers involved:

Timothy Escola is a fucking PIMP. Ew, Janine. WTF?

30-year-old sex kitten Janine England was fired today after the video exploded on Youtube faster than Escola exploded in his Depends. A semen explosion, not diarrhea — that was later.

In the video, Janine looked closely at the backseat a few times. Nobody knows why, but she appeared to whisper something off-topic from the handjob she was giving. Distraction is key. “How bout that Michael Jackson memorial? K, look away now.”

I’m sorry you lost your job, Janine. Come work for me. I’ll pay you one dick per hour.