NEW YORK — The subway in New York City is a fascinating place. You could be sitting next to a fashion model with mouth-watering tits one minute, and the next, you’ll find yourself in the company of five knife-wielding gang members with tattoos of snakes on their necks.

Gang members are always scary, but when they have snake tattoos, it’s terrifying.

I went to school with this nerd named Jeremy. He would get beat up every day at lunch by the school bully, and would run home crying. One day, Jeremy joined a gang and got a snake tattoo on his neck and since then, the bully has been afraid of him.

The truth is, Jeremy never joined a gang because he was too much of a pussy. He just showed everyone the black eye that his father gave him the previous night and claimed he was initiated into the Black Panthers — even though he was white (and only 11-years-old).

And you probably already guessed that his tattoo wasn’t real either. Well, actually it was — but he got hepatitis from the needle in the tattoo gun. That’s what happens when you get a tattoo from your friend’s older brother who’s also a junkie.

So even though Jeremy stopped getting picked on, he died about two years later from hepatitis-related injuries. At his funeral, he had makeup on his neck to hide the tattoo.

I completely forgot where I was going with story, so here’s a video taken in a New York subway train of a man playing with a live chicken. Nobody knows who this man is, or what he’s doing with a chicken, but one thing is for sure: he’s fucking awesome.

Quality Comments: “Nice! He’s wearing an MTA uniform shirt, which means he works for the subway. Must be part of the voodoo campaign to end delays on the 2 train.” — Cock Fogbank

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

A 2-year-old girl was strangled to death by a 12 foot Burmese python this morning, in Florida of course. Police are now questioning the mother and her boyfriend to find out exactly what happened and if this tragedy could have been prevented.

This picture is a dramatization.

The murderous snake was owned by Charles Jason Darnell, boyfriend of the young victim’s mother. Because Burmese pythons can grow so large, their owners are required to have a permit, but Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission said that Darnell did not have one. He now could face charges of child endangerment and neglect.

Darnell told police that he put the python in its aquarium in the living room last night. When he woke up this morning, the snake had escaped and was on top of the 2-year-old in another room. He stabbed the snake with a knife to free the child, and then called 911.

The home where it all went down.

Anyone who has owned a python knows that they are a lot smarter than they look. I used to have a 3 foot ball python, and he escaped once — much to the dismay of my kitten. Luckily, he got hungry again after a couple of weeks and actually returned to his aquarium. That’s a smart fuckin’ snake!

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission says that people often release pythons into the wild if they grow too large. The snakes thrive in Florida’s climate and end up doing crazy shit like eating alligators and exploding afterward.

The most badass thing to happen in nature, ever.

I recommend every snake owner release their slithery friend back into the wild so more stuff like this happens — alligator-snake explosions, not the strangle death of children.

Until now, the myth of the toilet snake has been a laughable one at best. Imagine this: You walk into the bathroom and sit on the toilet, preparing to let a few gorillas fingers drop from your ass. Suddenly, a sharp pain in your testicles causes you to jump in the air, exposing a giant snake attached to your scrotum by two sharp fangs. It’s the toilet snake!

How the fear of shitting begins.

This may sound like your 7th worst nightmare, but it really happened to a Taiwanese man yesterday. As of Monday, the 51-year-old victim was only being treated for minor injuries to his genitals.

Taipei locals claim that he was bitten by a type of rat snake, which is good because rat snakes are pussies compared to anacondas and cobras. Here’s a comparison:

Notice the rat snake in this picture. It’s biting a bicycle tire. Isn’t this the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen a snake do? I hate this snake.

Now, take a look at this anaconda:

All snakes should be this big because then they wouldn’t be able to fit in your toilet. As for them being dangerous, anacondas will rarely attack a human in the wild. If you’re unlucky enough to actually get bitten by one, then you shouldn’t have been messing with it in the first place, dumbass.

Bonus: Check out this extremely rare picture of an anaconda attacking a man underwater while his Latina girlfriend makes a futile effort to save him. Someone should make a movie about this!