When America first heard about Heidi Pratt’s appearance in Playboy Magazine, half the population got massive erections followed by the urge to go masturbate in anticipation.

Or maybe that was just me. Either way, nobody should be excited about this anymore because she’s not even going to appear nude in September’s issue.

Although Heidi appears on the cover of the September Playboy and a 6-page pictorial inside, don’t expect to see any nipples, beaver, or even a bare ass.

“What about her taint? Will she show that, maybe?”

I just said that she’s NOT gonna show tits, vag, or ass, but you ask about her taint?

I’ve seen more nudity in a Sears catalogue. We wanna see your VA-GI-NA.

Here’s the really fucked up part: Playboy not only agreed to show no nudity of Heidi, but they also let Spencer conduct the interview. This is all very rare behavior for Playboy, and nobody really knows why. Does Hugh Hefner have Alzheimer’s or something?

“The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn’t show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades,” Heidi tells Spencer in the interview. “I’m definitely not done with my surgical quest,” she added.

She also brags to the magazine that she has 30 orgasms a day, and that Spencer is a “sex god.” No wonder they’re always praising Jesus on Twitter!

Spencer Pratt, acting like himself (a douchebag).

Death, if you’re reading this, please take care of these two a-holes.