Some words have double meanings. Take the word “penis” for example, it could refer to two things: most obviously, the male genitalia — but it’s also my nickname for you.

“Groundhog Day” is another term that means two different things. Groundhog Day was an awesome movie starring Bill Murray, but it’s also an asinine holiday invented by some jerkoff who had a sexual penchant for rodents — no, not Richard Gere.

According to folklore, groundhogs can predict the weather. On February 2nd, if a groundhog sees its own shadow, we’re in for 6 more weeks of winter weather. But if the groundhog fails to see its shadow, then winter will supposedly end sooner. Yeah, OK.

People gathered in large numbers today all over the US and Canada to see if the almighty groundhog in their town would see his shadow. And the result: WHO GIVES A FUCK?

Take a moment to consider the pure absurdity of Groundhog Day. Since groundhogs can’t speak, each town that holds a Groundhog Day event must elect a “groundhog ambassador” — his job is to interpret groundhog emotions and convey them to the public.

“Fuck my life.” — Groundhog

Canada completed a study in 13 cities to measure the “groundhog weather prediction success rate” for the last 30 to 40 years. According to the study, groundhogs were only correct 37% of the time — in conclusion, groundhogs don’t know shit.

If someone wishes you a happy Groundhog Day today, just give them a cold stare because they don’t even deserve a response from you. You’re better than that.

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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I was just sitting here, relaxing, and smoking marijuana. I felt at peace with the world, but then I started to remember how goddamn stupid some human beings are.

“Someone should make a Facebook application for virtual weed smoking. It would be like smoking a joint in real life, except you click a button and pretend you’re high.”

(This was actually a real idea that came to fruition)

I was invited by a friend on Facebook to install this “Pass a Joint” application, which would allow me to virtually share weed and joints with friends. Wow… thanks, “friend.”

I’d just like to point out the ignorance here in the description of the app, which reads:

Pass a joint to your friends. Smoke their joints. Get stoned. We’ll keep count. The more you Roll and Smoke weed – the better you get at rolling and scoring kind bud. Earn 70’s Circles! Not some cheesy ready-made app.

I promptly canceled the install, not because I have something against weed (obviously), but because VIRTUAL WEED SMOKING IS FUCKING RETARDED.

Why’d they stop at weed? Where’s the “Pass a Crackpipe” app? You can trade your AIDS for my meth and then have an abortion!

People are starving all over the world and you’re sitting at home playing a low-budget virtual drug smoking game. I suppose the only thing worse than that is sitting at home and reading about people playing a low-budget virtual drug smoking game.

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Alberta, Canada is an amazing, beautiful place. I recommend that you plan your next vacation there. Imagine beautiful white beaches, blue ocean, coral reefs, cheap booze, drugs, and people with braided hair.

WELCOME TO ALBERTA, CANADA.

Oops, that’s Jamaica. Hey, don’t get mad at me – I was just copying Alberta and their $25-million public relations campaign.

Very recently, the Albertan government ran a campaign ad to promote tourism to their poopy province. However, it was discovered that a beach scene photo used in one of the ads wasn’t from Alberta at all, but ENGLAND.

The phony ad.

Cat’s out of the bag now, Alberta. What do you have to say about this deception, Tom Olsen, director of media relations for Alberta?

Tom: “There’s no attempt to make people think that this is Alberta. There’s no attempt to mislead. That picture just fit the mood and tone of what we were trying to do.” (his exact words)

You lying sack of shit. Admit it… you didn’t think you would get caught.

Tom:“But, how could anyone know where that beach was?” (a pretend question)

Uh, Tom, IT’S A FAMOUS BEACH in England where tourists go to see Sir Lancelot’s castle. No, seriously, look:

The same beach pictured in the ad for Alberta.

Oh, and we all know that this is what a real Albertan beach looks like:

Alberta has given us nothing but Nickelback and lies.