NEW YORK — The subway in New York City is a fascinating place. You could be sitting next to a fashion model with mouth-watering tits one minute, and the next, you’ll find yourself in the company of five knife-wielding gang members with tattoos of snakes on their necks.

Gang members are always scary, but when they have snake tattoos, it’s terrifying.

I went to school with this nerd named Jeremy. He would get beat up every day at lunch by the school bully, and would run home crying. One day, Jeremy joined a gang and got a snake tattoo on his neck and since then, the bully has been afraid of him.

The truth is, Jeremy never joined a gang because he was too much of a pussy. He just showed everyone the black eye that his father gave him the previous night and claimed he was initiated into the Black Panthers — even though he was white (and only 11-years-old).

And you probably already guessed that his tattoo wasn’t real either. Well, actually it was — but he got hepatitis from the needle in the tattoo gun. That’s what happens when you get a tattoo from your friend’s older brother who’s also a junkie.

So even though Jeremy stopped getting picked on, he died about two years later from hepatitis-related injuries. At his funeral, he had makeup on his neck to hide the tattoo.

I completely forgot where I was going with story, so here’s a video taken in a New York subway train of a man playing with a live chicken. Nobody knows who this man is, or what he’s doing with a chicken, but one thing is for sure: he’s fucking awesome.

Quality Comments: “Nice! He’s wearing an MTA uniform shirt, which means he works for the subway. Must be part of the voodoo campaign to end delays on the 2 train.” — Cock Fogbank

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

Last week, I wrote about the 18-year-old girl from Belgium who “fell asleep” while getting a few stars tattooed on her face, and woke up with half of her face covered in stars. If you recall, her name was Cunty McMasterson. As it turns out, Cunty wanted those tattoos. All 56 of ‘em.

“I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them, but when my father saw them, he was furious, so I said I fell asleep and that the tattoist had made a mistake,” Cunty told a Dutch TV crew.

“This is my sad face.”

Seriously though, none of us have the right to judge Cunty. We’ve all blamed other people for our mistakes. For instance, one time I shat the bed and blamed it on the cat. It worked too because I was a little kid and my turds were really small like cat poop.

Yay for the truth!

Meet 18-year-old Cunty McMasterson. She just got 56 stars tattooed on her face.

Sweet, huh? No.

Her name isn’t really Cunty, but she’s from Belgium, so you wouldn’t be able to pronounce her real name anyway.

Cunty is suing her tattooist for £10,000, claiming that she only wanted 3 stars tattooed under her left eye. Instead, she got 56 stars in the shape of the number 3.

According to her, she fell asleep while getting inked and woke up looking like the galaxy blew a load on her face.

“I think he didn’t understand what I wanted,” explained Cunty. “He spoke only fractured English and French. But I explicitly said in my native tongue, French, and also in a little bit of English when he looked confused, that I wanted three little stars only near my left eye.”

But there’s two sides to every story. According to the tattooist, it was very clear what Cunty wanted:

“I maintain that she absolutely agreed that I tattoo those 56 stars on the left side of her face. A witness has already been questioned by police, and she confirms it. The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit. They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotised her. What rubbish!”

Tattoist/Freakshow and Cunty (nice belt rofl)

I hate this my-word-against-yours bullshit. Here’s the truth: You can’t fall asleep while getting your FACE tattooed. You just can’t. It’s impossible. Cunty wanted all 56 stars and now she feels like an asshat.

Many of us have tattoos that we regret. I should’ve never got “Ricky Martin wuz here” tattooed right next to my anus. My colorectal surgeon probably thinks I’m a queer now.

Instead of complaining about her regrettable tattoos, Cunty should just tell people she’s from the future. Everybody has facial tattoos in the future.

These days, an engaged-to-be-married man can’t even let a pair of tits rest on his head without it showing up on Facebook the next day.

These situations are unavoidable in life.

That’s what happened to “Antonio M.” of Rome, Italy. His fiancee Valeria was browsing Facebook when she came across a picture of Antonio wearing a large pair of female breasts on his head. She freaked out, called off the wedding, and posted hundreds of paper fliers around Rome, saying this about Antonio:

“At least I have uncovered in time before marrying you that you are a pig traitor!”

Porca is “pig” in Italian, so Orca must be “pig whale.”

Geez, calm down Valeria. So Antonio got some jugs in his face at the strip club. He didn’t necessarily fuck those jugs or the woman they belonged to. Plus, it’s really mean to call someone a pig after all this swine flu hysteria.

You can stay at my place for cheap, Antonio. I’m sorry your girlfriend’s a bitch. You could use a break for awhile, and I could use the extra money to finance my next tattoo: A Patrick Swayze centaur standing in front of two spiraling rainbows.