The small town of Stoughton, Massachusetts is mourning the loss of their beloved swan, Autumn Grace. The female swan’s body was found in the water by local resident Brian MacNeil. “When I got close, her head was under water. I pulled her to the side of the boat and her head was cut clear off,” MacNeil said, failing to mention how he cried for hours.

Autumn’s mate was also injured, possibly trying to defend their three little offspring. Luckily, he will survive to care for them — or maybe he will just take off and never talk to them again or pay child support. After all, it’s not like they can do anything about it.

Swans are not without their natural enemies. Among them are skunks, owls, bears, foxes, coyotes, and me (when I’m drunk). However, it seems unlikely that an animal would decapitate a swan, but not eat any of the flesh. That seems more like something a troubled teenager with bad parents and no friends would do.

Residents are convinced that Autumn Grace’s death was caused by a depraved animal torturer because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Rabbits with missing heads have also been found in the neighborhood, and another dead swan was found a couple years ago with a blood trail leading back to its nest.

In my opinion, I’d say this was a classic animal gangland assassination. I think Autumn Grace was involved in some shady waterfowl activity. Or maybe her mate caught her having sex with a duck — that would be enough to drive any swan temporarily insane.

A cheating swan? That’s ridiculous. I’m sticking with animal gangland assassination.

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TORONTO — It is with great sadness that I report the passing of Samantha, the Toronto Zoo’s oldest gorilla. Samantha was euthanized this week after suffering two serious strokes. She leaves behind five offspring and her loving mate Charles the Silverback.

Gorillas age faster than humans. Their lifespan is only 30-50 years, and Samantha was only 37-years-old — still in the prime of her life. If she was a human woman, she would be about the same age as Samantha Jones from Sex and the City.

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MONTANA — An adult grizzly bear went on a rampage at the Soda Butte Campground yesterday, killing one man and injuring two other campers. Each attack occurred separately while the bear calmly strolled through the campground during the early morning hours, attacking people in their tents for no apparent reason other than to be a dick.

48-year-old Kevin Kammer from Grand Rapids, Michigan died after being attacked in his sleep. By the time he realized what was happening, it was too late to defend himself.

Shortly after, Ronald Singer, a college kid from Colorado, was awoken by the same bear chewing on his leg. Not one to be eaten so easily, Ronald punched the bear in the nose and it ran off. Anyone that punches a bear in the face and lives is a hero to me.

Ronald Singer — better known by his Indian name, Bear Puncher.

The grizzly bear decided to go for an easier target — a woman. It wandered over to Deb Freele’s campsite, broke into her tent, and attacked her. Deb screamed in pain while her husband slept peacefully next to her. Realizing that her husband wasn’t going to help, Deb decided that she was going to die, so she just gave up and laid there.

Fortunately for Deb, bears only enjoy killing if it’s accompanied by bloodcurdling screams. The grizzly left her alone and she was able to wake her husband up and tell him what happened — right after she bitched him out for sleeping through her mauling.

Editor’s Note: Only the husband knows for sure if he was asleep during the attack. It’s possible that he was fully aware of his wife’s close call with death, but chose to stay quiet.

Deb Freele recounts how she bravely did nothing to save her life.

Both Ronald Singer and Deb Freele will recover from their injuries. The man who died was not as lucky — doctors do not expect him to recover at all.

The bear was captured the same day as the attacks, and it is scheduled to be terminated. On a positive note, PETA loses supporters every time something like this happens.

Animal attacks on humans are becoming far more common, so keep an eye out for more awesome stories like this in the future — everyone loves a mauling!

JERUSALEM — On Monday, a Jerusalem court convicted a man of rape after he lied about his religion to coax a Jewish woman into having consensual sex with him. The “victim” claimed she never would’ve had sex with the man if she knew that he was an Arab.

When Sabbar Kashur, 30, met his victim two years ago in downtown Jerusalem, he falsely introduced himself as a Jewish bachelor seeking a long-term relationship. It was necessary for him to lie when courting women in Jerusalem because the majority of them would rather fuck their own fathers or the family dog than an Arab.

Relationships between Arabs and Jews are rare because of their ongoing battles over the Holy Land. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t bother researching it because it will only annoy you and further destroy your faith in humanity.

The chicks in Jerusalem must be as easy as they are in America because Kashur and his victim went to a nearby building and had consensual sex right after they met. However, when she later realized that he wasn’t a Jew, she filed a police report.

The judges sided with the victim, and before sentencing Kashur to 18 months in prison, they said this: “The court is obliged to protect the public interest from sophisticated, smooth-tongued criminals who can deceive innocent victims at an unbearable price – the sanctity of their bodies and souls… Otherwise, they will be used, manipulated and misled, while paying only a tolerable and symbolic price.”

How sophisticated and smooth-tongued of the court to label Sabbur Kashur a rapist, when the only thing he is guilty of is adapting to the struggles of living as a minority in a racist country. I wouldn’t worry too much about the sanctity of the body and soul of a woman whose only inhibition before fucking a guy is whether or not he’s Jewish.

That’s not rape — that’s just called “YOU GOT PLAYED, BITCH!” Now get over it.

I once banged a Japanese girl, but later found out that she was actually Japanese and Korean. When I realized that she lied to me, I didn’t scream rape. However, I did regret that I didn’t get to fuck her a few more times with the full knowledge of her ancestry.

People need to accept that they are going to have regrettable sex with people. I have banged lying psychos myself, and in turn, I have lied about being an astronaut to score with drunk women. The next morning, I’d crack a joke about not being a real astronaut but still having experience in exploring Uranus — then I’d steal a few dollars from her purse and take a bus home with dried-up period blood still caked on my face.

To know that I couldn’t do any of that in Jerusalem just makes me fuckin’ sick.

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Last week, I reported on Lona Varner, the 86-year-old disabled grandmother from Oklahoma who was tasered and abused by police in her own home. If you haven’t read the article yet, HERE IT IS — I’ll wait. Just hurry up because I don’t have all day.

A few readers mentioned that the article was terribly skewed because it didn’t include any perspective from the police officers that responded to her grandson’s 911 call.

Varner’s story has gained massive popularity recently and surprising new information has emerged regarding the incident that happened in her apartment.

NEW “FACTS”

I originally stated that Varner’s grandson called 911 because his grandmother couldn’t remember if she had taken her daily medication or not. What actually happened is Varner told her grandson that she was depressed and contemplating overdosing on her medication. Unsure if she was serious, he called 911 and they sent 10 cops over.

Despite the initial claim that Varner was tasered simply for “taking an aggressive posture” in her bed, the police now claim that she had a knife and made death threats at officers.

Officer Thomas Duran reported that Varner was holding a knife when they entered her bedroom. She allegedly said to him, “If you try and get the knife I will stab you and kill you. I killed four Japs in World War II, and I would not bat an eye killing you.”

Officer Duran also wrote that Varner said “she was going to kill every officer that was in her apartment when she got out… she told me she was going to snap my neck like a twig just like she did during World War II.” As you can imagine, the officers were terrified.

Since the incident has become a national outrage, you’d think Lona Varner would be speaking out against the city of El Reno every chance she could get, but she isn’t. To the contrary, Varner has been nothing but rude to anyone who tries to interview her. It’s starting to look like this little old lady might just be an old grumpy bitch.

Varner and her grandson both completely deny the allegations that she threatened the officers, but I don’t believe that. In fact, I’d be willing to bet money that Lona Varner shouted a bunch of crazy shit at them because she’s most likely senile as fuck.

BOTTOM LINE

Regardless of whether or not Lona Varner had a knife or threatened to snap necks like twigs, that doesn’t change the fact that she is a helpless, withered bag of bones confined to a bed. My suggestion is the officers involved learn to tell the difference between a dangerous person and an Alzheimer’s patient.

I used to take care of my great-grandmother — she had Alzheimer’s disease. She threatened to stab, choke, or shoot me almost every day. She also thought she was half zebra and said she had George Washington’s penis in a box in the attic.

My point is, when there are ten police officers against one disabled grandma with a knife in bed, all you have to do is wait until she falls asleep and take it from her.

JUST KIDDING

A police officer should never have to use DISCRETION when using force on a civilian. Those cops had countless reasons to protect themselves from Lona Varner. Look at all the possible weapons and other threats that she possesses at her bedside:

Actual photo of Lona Varner.

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