Chuck Norris and I have a special relationship — we communicate with each other telepathically. Today, I was wishing Chuck a happy birthday when our brain link was interrupted by the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death.

Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.

Pretend for a second that you’re a Portland police officer rushing to the aid of a man who is completely engulfed in flames. It’s up to you to save his life!

You grab something from your trunk that resembles a fire extinguisher and douse the man with its contents, but the fire continues to burn and the man dies. Later, it’s revealed that the fire extinguisher you used was actually an industrial size canister of pepper spray.

That was quite careless of you. Are you: A) Retarded, B) Blind, or C) A woman?

OREGON — 26-year-old Daniel Shaull set himself on fire Wednesday in the streets of downtown Portland. When a police officer saw the burning man from her car, she ran out and sprayed him down with a fire extinguisher big fucking canister of pepper spray.

The officer didn’t know she had used pepper spray until another officer found the empty can later at the scene. Meanwhile, Daniel died of his burns in the hospital.

Daniel’s father told interviewers that his son had a history of mental illness. “I had a feeling something was going to tragically happen,” he told reporters. “He was tired of living.”

Portland Police Bureau Chief Rosie Sizer refused to name the officer involved, but said the she will not face any disciplinary action for her mistake. The chief also added, “In many, many ways, her acts were heroic.”

I had a suspicion that Chief Rosie was exaggerating, so I broke down the officer’s actions and created a pie chart to see how many ways her acts were heroic.

Imagine if you were the burning man, Daniel Shaull — the last couple minutes of your life really sucked dick. You’re engulfed in flames and thinking, “This is it… this is the end.” And then here comes a woman who not only pepper sprays you, but empties an entire tank of pepper spray on your burning flesh. The most painful death ever was made even worse.

Female police officers should stick to what they do best — nothing.

Sources: 1

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The image of “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s pregnant gut will haunt me for three lifetimes.

Babies aren’t supposed to be crammed in there like that. The skin on her stomach looks identical to a male’s scrotum skin when it’s been pulled tight around a testicle.

After disappearing from the media spotlight for quite some time, Suleman has reemerged on the internet with some surprisingly-decent bikini photos. Decent to the untrained eye.

If you didn’t know the woman in these pictures was Octomom, you’d probably think to yourself, “Damn, look at those titties. I could spill some semen in her vagina, for sure.” Guess what? So could twelve other guys and a horse at the same time.

I hold master’s degrees in graphic design and dermatology — those pictures above are more heavily Photoshopped than the pictures of your dick you send to girls on Myspace.

The same people that did the special effects in Lord of the Rings also edited these pictures.

This is what Nadya Suleman’s photos looked like before they were airbrushed:

Some of you would probably still tap that. Not everyone can have sex without paying for it or settling for the first moist hole they find that doesn’t have a centipede living in it.

Do people even exercise anymore, or do they just improve their Photoshop skills when they want to lose weight? “I look hot in this picture after blending my three chins together.”

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It’s a well-known fact that elderly people drive like shit. They drive like they have all the time in the world to get to their destination, while not paying attention to a goddamn thing around them. However, unlike women drivers, old drivers are predictable and easy to avoid, thus making them far less dangerous than women.

Technically, the worst drivers in the world are elderly women: Combine the slowness and absentmindedness of a senior citizen with the naturally terrible driving skills of a woman, and you have created the ultimate rolling disaster.

In a perfect world, men would rule the highway while women nagged at us from the passenger seat (or trunk, preferably) — but our world is not perfect, so we take it in stride.

FLORIDA — Despite the dangers of having women — especially old ones — driving around, I do not agree with what happened to 78-year-old Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau.

Police pulled Ol’ Gabby over in September for driving too slow and ticketed her for also driving on a suspended license. When she got confused and failed to show up at court in November, three police officers drove to Gabby’s home and arrested her.

“They came on real strong, like I had killed somebody or something,” she told reporters.

Gabby was taken to jail and attended her pre-trial the next day. The pre-trial services division found that she was eligible for release on her own recognizance, but forgot to tell the judge. Oblivious to everything, the judge ordered Gabby back to jail until her trial.

Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau, 78, claims the years have not been kind to her (or her face).

Gabby spent two unnecessary weeks in jail, including Thanksgiving. The courts realized their mistake on December 2nd, the morning of Gabby’s trial. “Why the fuck has this old lady been in jail for two weeks,” they wondered. “Dude, we forgot to tell the judge to let her go!”

The judge was stunned and eager to apologize. “She’s got chains around her waist and handcuffs in front around her hands as if she was some kind of a violent criminal,” he said. “I want her released. I think she’s suffered enough at our system’s mistakes.”

And that’s it. Nobody got fired or punished severely.

The court system is like a selfish child. There’s no real punishment for the judges and attorneys when they “accidentally” fuck up someone’s life and then turn around and hypocritically say, “Ignorance is no excuse to break the law — you are going to jail.”

The people at fault here should serve two weeks in jail on felony dickbrain charges.

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All day long, I’ve been sitting at my desk waiting for a celebrity to injure their genitals so I could post a blog about it. Well, my prayers have been answered.

SCOTLAND — Details magazine has reported that actor Channing Tatum suffered severe burns to his penis while filming a new movie. A film crew member was trying to keep the actor warm by pouring warm boiling hot water into his wetsuit.

This was all that remained of Cheryl’s husband after the fire.

Although his penis has healed, Tatum told Details that the burn was the most painful thing he has ever experienced in his life — even more painful than watching himself acting.

Ever since the movie Fighting, I don’t really like Channing Tatum. He’s always got a confused look on his face that seems to be asking, “Isn’t there an Ed Hardy store around here?” Plus, his fuckin’ name is Channing — do I need a better reason to hate someone?

As for the genius that didn’t realize hot water + penis = NO, his day is coming soon.

Sources: 1