It’s 2010 and you better watch your fucking mouth because it could land you in some deep feces. Nobody knows this better than 75-year-old Draco Slaughter, who is sitting in jail right now for making an innocent bomb joke on an airplane.
Southwest Airlines Flight 373 had just landed in New York on Sunday evening, and the passengers were exiting the plane when a flight attendant noticed an unaccompanied carry-on bag near the back of the plane. “I said it was mine and kidding I also said that there could be a bomb in there,” Slaughter said, as he recalled the incident.
The flight attendant immediately notified the police, who promptly arrested Slaughter. After an investigation proved the airplane bomb-free, rather than releasing the old man with a slap on the wrist, they charged him with making a false bomb threat.
Draco Slaughter remains jailed in lieu of $50,000 bail until he goes back to court Friday. If convicted, he faces up to seven years (basically the rest of his life) in prison.
If I was Draco Slaughter’s grandson, I would find the flight attendant that reported him and punch her in the mouth. I understand that she was just trying to do the right thing, but use a little intuition for fuck’s sake. My 75-year-old grandpa talks about his visits to the moon all the time, but I haven’t contacted NASA to verify. Old people just say dumb shit.
I’m not saying bomb threats should be ignored on a regular basis, but even if Draco Slaughter really did have a bomb, it wouldn’t be very hard to take it from him. A swift punch to the gut, and he’d probably shit himself and then die.
Flying used to be awesome. Before 9/11, even the pilots would crack a bomb joke occasionally. Now, you get a complimentary cavity search if you even try to board the plane while wearing a t-shirt with the “bomb” printed on it.
So now, certain words and t-shirts are illegal on airplanes. What next, black babies will have to be checked with luggage? It wouldn’t surprise me! This is a sad state of affairs, and I think it’s safe to declare that the terrorists have won because from a civil rights point of view, things have only gotten far worse since 9/11.
The armies should come back home and start dropping bombs on the assholes in America that keep perpetuating this fear of terrorism.
CALIFORNIA — Legendary American actor, filmmaker, and artist Dennis Hopper lost his battle with prostate cancer this morning and passed away in his home. He was 74.
Hopper was best known for his roles in “Easy Rider” and “Apocalypse Now,” but the younger generations knew him as the bad guy in the movie “Speed.” I would argue that the pinnacle of Hopper’s career was when he played the villian in the 1995 post-apocalyptic action film“Waterworld” — easily one of the best movies in history.
2009 marked the major beginning of Hopper’s health decline when his manager reported he had been diagnosed with cancer. Shortly after, Hopper’s cancer advanced into his bones and he began to slowly waste away until he weighed only 100 pounds.
Hopper was relatively discreet about his health issues, therefore, his final months were most likely peaceful — well, as peaceful as can be when you’re dying of cancer.
The coolest thing about Dennis Hopper was that he could kick ass in any role, even if it didn’t make sense. Take his role as King Koopa in the “Super Mario Bros.” film for example — Hopper played a HUMAN King Koopa. Nothing is more blasphemous than that.
When people watched this movie for the first time, they were like “What the fuck? King Koopa is NOT human… yet I don’t seem to mind because it’s Dennis Hopper.” But when he finally turned into a dinosaur, everyone was like, “WTF, bring back Dennis Hopper!”
It’s also important to note that Luigi didn’t even have a mustache in the film either.
Bottom line, Dennis Hopper was an American icon / World hero that made every film better with his presence. He will be missed, and cancer will be hated a little more by everyone.
On Wednesday, Gary Coleman suffered a brain hemorrhage in his Utah home. It progressively worsened over the next two days until he was unconscious and then placed on life support. Doctors (or Gary’s wife) decided to pull the plug on Coleman this morning.
Rest in peace, handsome little ebony prince. You will always be remembered!
No official details have been released about who pulled the plug on Gary — but unless I’m mistaken (which has NEVER happened), his wife had the final say.
Let’s look at some interesting facts about Shannon Price (Coleman’s wife):
1) Shannon Price, not Coleman. She never took his last name. Hmmm…
2) The couple appeared on Divorce Court in 2008, but never got divorced. Hmmm…
3) Price accused Coleman of domestic violence in January, and he was arrested. Hmmm…
4) Before Price met Coleman, she was a struggling actress looking for fame. Hmmm…
5) Price took Coleman’s virginity. Ewww…
Even if Gary’s condition was hopeless and taking him off life support was the best option, Shannon Price got some kind of satisfaction from it because she was obviously just out to make a name for herself and steal Gary Coleman’s sweet virginity.
She didn’t even give Coleman’s biggest fan a chance to visit him in the hospital and kiss his innocent chocolate brow before he departed for the spirit world.
If I’m completely wrong and Price really did love Coleman, then they will be reunited in the kingdom of heaven when she dies, and Gary will ride her all over green pastures.
CALIFORNIA — Mixed martial artist Jarrod Wyatt, 26, is facing murder and torture charges after brutally murdering his friend during a bad mushroom trip. Wyatt allegedly drank some magic mushroom tea and went temporarily insane, gouging his friends eyes out and ripping his beating heart from his chest while he was still alive!
A witness called police after seeing Wyatt naked and covered in blood, standing over the mutilated body of the victim. According to the death certificate, the victim, 21-year-old Taylor Powell, died from loss of blood. Supposedly, that is a really bad way to die.
Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when that voodoo priest ripped that guy’s heart out while he was screaming? Jarrord Wyatt actually did that.
This may seem shocking and heinous, but it doesn’t surprise me at all. Most people just giggle for hours when they are tripping on shrooms, but not MMA fighters — they kill shit.
During an intense shroom trip, sometimes you forget that you are tripping and believe that the naked man holding a sword is real. Most people hide from the naked man with the sword until they forget about him, but MMA fighters aren’t afraid of anything (except gays).
In Wyatt’s case, he hallucinated that his friend was a threat and attacked him. This isn’t the first time someone has eaten too many mushrooms and committed murder (or suicide) while having extreme hallucinations, but the same shit happens with alcohol (minus the heart-ripping) ALL THE TIME, so let’s not demonize the mushrooms.
Jarrod Wyatt’s fighting career was in its early stages, and he had won his first professional fight in October. And from the looks of him, he also cuts his own hair while on shrooms.
Wyatt has pleaded not guilty to the charges, but will probably not be given any mercy due to the brutality of his crimes. This ALMOST made me not wanna eat shrooms again.
Despite the grimness of this article, I’d actually like to encourage people to experiment with psilocybin (magic mushrooms). I’ve witnessed many wondrous things on mushrooms. You can find them in most fields where cow shit grows — just don’t get shot by the farmer.
I’ve done it. So have you. Unless you have no arms, then you have slapped a person in their testicles before. The idea of unexpectedly backhanding someone’s scrotum has existed for thousands of years, but the invention of YouTube has made it more popular.
I am guilty for sack tapping a person as recently as yesterday. The problem is, I’m really good at it. If I were sitting next to you, I could have sack tapped you 8 times already and it’s only the second paragraph. With me, there’s no telling wh-*sack tap!*
Sack tapping has recently come under fire by the media after a kid from Minnesota was punched so hard in the dick that one of his nuts exploded. A bully at school ruptured 14-year-old David Gibbons’ right testicle, and it had to be amputated — now his family wants to spread the word that sack tapping is dangerous!
Sack tapping is not to blame for this incident. David Gibbons, aside from looking exactly like that kid from Last Action Hero (see right), was the victim of a cock punch, not a sack tap — they are way different.
Is sack tapping dangerous?
Yes, if performed incorrectly on the victim, a sack tap can lead them to the ER instead of the floor.
Testicles are precious, fragile globes of life, and it doesn’t take much to injure them. The CORRECT way to sack tap a person is to flick your hand out from the wrist and then jerk it back — like snapping a towel.
Hand-to-sack contact should be quick, but intense like a bee sting. Be sure to cover your own sack for safety because retaliation is common.
A proper sack tap should not end a friendship.
What is a cock punch?
A cock punch is exactly what it sounds like — fist-to-groin contact. A highly dangerous technique that should only be used in self-defense or on corpses (they can’t feel it), the cock punch resides in the same category as kicks, knees, and headbutts to the groin.
So is there REALLY a significant difference between cock punching and sack tapping?
Yes, goddammit! One is lighthearted and the other is malicious. Just like teabagging the first person who passes out at a party, a well-timed sack tap can generate a room full of laughter at a single person’s expense. What’s wrong with that?
But a cock punch will potentially burst a testicle or two, and ruin some poor bastard’s chance at having kids in the future. I can think of a few people that deserve such a fate, but most men do not, therefore, cock punching is generally wrong.
Parents, educate your children on the differences between sack tapping and cock punching, and make sure they practice their technique regularly to avoid injuries.
Sack tapping is not to blame for this incident. David Gibbons, aside from looking exactly like that kid from Last Action Hero (see right), was the victim of a cock punch, not a sack tap — they are way different.
