I decided to write a brief update on yesterday’s story for two reasons:

1) I found pictures of Tila Tequila performing topless on stage moments before the mob of juggalos chased her and security into a trailer. You know you want to see boobs.

As for the second reason, there isn’t one. “Boobs” is the only reason I need for anything.

As you can see in the photos above, Tila had not been struck in the face with anything prior to going topless. It wasn’t until she exposed her tits that the situation grew too dangerous to perform. It is a very rare phenomenon for naked breasts to fail at putting a smile on a man’s face, and even more rare when a violent reaction occurs.

I spent hours trying to figure it out: “Why did the juggalos get more violent when Tila’s jugs came out? It just doesn’t make sense.” With no answers in sight, I tried to imagine myself as an angry juggalo — still nothing. Finally, I went on Youtube and watched a Tila Tequila music video. All of a sudden, everything was clear to me.

Have you ever actually heard a Tila Tequila song? I didn’t think so. I have though, and I regret it more than anything I’ve done in a long time — and I do a lot of regretful things. I once let fire ants crawl into my peehole, and pissing them out didn’t cause as much pain as that Tila Tequila song did to my ear drums. I actually contemplated suicide.

Imagine if Ke$ha sang a rap song while getting gang banged by a Nickelback cover band. Meanwhile, a drunk Paris Hilton, suspended in the air by a harness, is shitting on all of them from above and recording the sound on her iPhone with the T-Pain auto-tune app.

It’s seriously that bad. And if you don’t believe me, the photo below is final proof that even tits can’t save Tila Tequila’s music career. Still though, I cant help but think that she would’ve gained some juggalo respect if she had put some clown makeup on her nipples.

The juggalos displayed a powerful immunity to naked female breasts.

Editor’s Note: I had nothing to do with the censored nipples in the bottom photo.

Update: A reader name Andrew submitted this video from Newsky.com. It explains how Tila was warned that an attack on her was imminent, but she refused to withdrawal. Watch the video, and try not to be bothered by the stench of desperation.

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I spent wasted 7 minutes yesterday writing an article about a girl that quit her job in a “clever” way — via e-mail and dry erase board. Turns out, the whole FAKE story was concocted by two men named Asshole 1 and Asshole 2 to promote their website. They hired an actress named Elyse Porterfield Asshole 3 to play the role of “Jenny.”

I wasn’t the only one that fell for it though. Millions of people tweeted about it and posted links to the original story on Facebook. Both Jenny and the creators of the website admitted everything was all jokes, and even posted several more dry erase board photos of “Jenny” explaining the hoax. But everything isn’t all jokes and I’ll explain why.

Why TheChive.com Should Eat Your Shit

Upon entering TheChive.com, you see the slogan “Probably the Best Site in the World,” so you immediately know it’s probably not at all. A recent post on the page shows a list of the “best links on the internet,” but at the bottom there’s a link you can follow to have your website added to that list for a whole week. And it only costs $1000.

“The best links on the internet come from the people that send us the most money.” It’s clear these people have no morals, which isn’t a bad thing unless combined with greed.

Interesting fact: Asshole 1 and 2 have been responsible for a couple other hoaxes that nobody remembers. Their formula goes like this: make a hoax, get hits, whore for ad money, and then it’s back to sucking dicks until the next big hoax.

While the content on TheChive.com is mainly just re-tagged photos from failblog.org and other meme and lolcat sites, it’s mostly TRUTHFUL content. That’s another reason why so many people believed the latest hoax. If this was done for genuine LULZ, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it wasn’t — It was done strictly so TheChive could finance their collective addiction to Valtrex and spam us with shitty links from advertisers. We got trolled.

When the Balloon Boy’s parents did this shit, they went to jail.

I promise you all one thing: If I ever fabricate a nationwide hoax, it will be a fuck of a lot better than one about a girl that quits her office job. Sorry, guys.

Last week, I reported on Lona Varner, the 86-year-old disabled grandmother from Oklahoma who was tasered and abused by police in her own home. If you haven’t read the article yet, HERE IT IS — I’ll wait. Just hurry up because I don’t have all day.

A few readers mentioned that the article was terribly skewed because it didn’t include any perspective from the police officers that responded to her grandson’s 911 call.

Varner’s story has gained massive popularity recently and surprising new information has emerged regarding the incident that happened in her apartment.

NEW “FACTS”

I originally stated that Varner’s grandson called 911 because his grandmother couldn’t remember if she had taken her daily medication or not. What actually happened is Varner told her grandson that she was depressed and contemplating overdosing on her medication. Unsure if she was serious, he called 911 and they sent 10 cops over.

Despite the initial claim that Varner was tasered simply for “taking an aggressive posture” in her bed, the police now claim that she had a knife and made death threats at officers.

Officer Thomas Duran reported that Varner was holding a knife when they entered her bedroom. She allegedly said to him, “If you try and get the knife I will stab you and kill you. I killed four Japs in World War II, and I would not bat an eye killing you.”

Officer Duran also wrote that Varner said “she was going to kill every officer that was in her apartment when she got out… she told me she was going to snap my neck like a twig just like she did during World War II.” As you can imagine, the officers were terrified.

Since the incident has become a national outrage, you’d think Lona Varner would be speaking out against the city of El Reno every chance she could get, but she isn’t. To the contrary, Varner has been nothing but rude to anyone who tries to interview her. It’s starting to look like this little old lady might just be an old grumpy bitch.

Varner and her grandson both completely deny the allegations that she threatened the officers, but I don’t believe that. In fact, I’d be willing to bet money that Lona Varner shouted a bunch of crazy shit at them because she’s most likely senile as fuck.

BOTTOM LINE

Regardless of whether or not Lona Varner had a knife or threatened to snap necks like twigs, that doesn’t change the fact that she is a helpless, withered bag of bones confined to a bed. My suggestion is the officers involved learn to tell the difference between a dangerous person and an Alzheimer’s patient.

I used to take care of my great-grandmother — she had Alzheimer’s disease. She threatened to stab, choke, or shoot me almost every day. She also thought she was half zebra and said she had George Washington’s penis in a box in the attic.

My point is, when there are ten police officers against one disabled grandma with a knife in bed, all you have to do is wait until she falls asleep and take it from her.

JUST KIDDING

A police officer should never have to use DISCRETION when using force on a civilian. Those cops had countless reasons to protect themselves from Lona Varner. Look at all the possible weapons and other threats that she possesses at her bedside:

Actual photo of Lona Varner.

Sources: 1

Seldom has anyone received multiple entries in Sidecarsally. However, I’m thrilled to report another break in the “Balloon Boy” case — Richard and Mayumi Heene are goin’ to jail!

Richard Heene spots a spider crawling on the ceiling above him.

The Heenes looked disappointed after the judge announced their sentences yesterday — 90 days of jail for Richard and 20 days for his wife Yoko. Also, they have to re-pay every penny that was spent on chasing the balloon and investigating the hoax. Justice prevails!

Richard will serve two-thirds of his jail time in a work release program which allows him to work during the day as a construction contractor, but he must report back to jail each evening. His wife will be allowed to report to jail and serve her time on the weekends.

Furthermore, the Heenes were placed on probation for four years which forbids them from earning money related to the hoax, so even if Richard Heene wanted to write a bestseller called “Why I’m Such a Dumbass Jerkoff”, he couldn’t get paid for it.

Prosecutor Andrew Lewis said it best: “People around the world were watching this unfold. Mr. Heene wasted a lot of manpower and money in wanting to get himself some publicity.”

YAY FOR JUSTICE!

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Sources: 1

COLORADO — Two months have gone by and my hatred for the people responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax — the Heene family — was finally beginning to subside. Until today.

Last month, Richard Heene pleaded guilty to a felony charge of being a lying douchebag. His wife Mayumi also pleaded guilty to a similar misdemeanor charge. If things go favorably for the taxpayers, the Heenes face 2-3 months in jail. But don’t start cheering quite yet.

I’ve got a feeling that Judge Pushover will spare the Heene’s from jail and impose a hefty fine on them instead. As a result of the hoax, local, state, and federal agencies figured the Heenes owe them approximately $43,000. This amount seems reasonable if you consider all the emergency services and helicopters and superheroes that were dispatched to help.

The Heenes’ attorney, David Lane, is trying to play hardball. He thinks a $43,000 fine is simply redonkulous: “If they’ve got records to show these are legitimate costs, then we can discuss it,” he said. “But, first off, these people don’t have that kind of money.”

Don’t feel bad for the Heenes. If they aren’t going to serve jail time as a lesson, then they should at least be paying out of pocket for this for a long, long time. They pulled a hoax on a national level, but it was only a pathetic attempt to land a reality show.

I’ve got a reality show idea for you — it’s called Richard & Mayumi Heene Rightfully Go To Prison and there’s a spin-off about their sons called Three Little Orphans.

Sources: 1, 2

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