Seldom has anyone received multiple entries in Sidecarsally. However, I’m thrilled to report another break in the “Balloon Boy” case — Richard and Mayumi Heene are goin’ to jail!

Richard Heene spots a spider crawling on the ceiling above him.

The Heenes looked disappointed after the judge announced their sentences yesterday — 90 days of jail for Richard and 20 days for his wife Yoko. Also, they have to re-pay every penny that was spent on chasing the balloon and investigating the hoax. Justice prevails!

Richard will serve two-thirds of his jail time in a work release program which allows him to work during the day as a construction contractor, but he must report back to jail each evening. His wife will be allowed to report to jail and serve her time on the weekends.

Furthermore, the Heenes were placed on probation for four years which forbids them from earning money related to the hoax, so even if Richard Heene wanted to write a bestseller called “Why I’m Such a Dumbass Jerkoff”, he couldn’t get paid for it.

Prosecutor Andrew Lewis said it best: “People around the world were watching this unfold. Mr. Heene wasted a lot of manpower and money in wanting to get himself some publicity.”

YAY FOR JUSTICE!

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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Sources: 1

COLORADO — Two months have gone by and my hatred for the people responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax — the Heene family — was finally beginning to subside. Until today.

Last month, Richard Heene pleaded guilty to a felony charge of being a lying douchebag. His wife Mayumi also pleaded guilty to a similar misdemeanor charge. If things go favorably for the taxpayers, the Heenes face 2-3 months in jail. But don’t start cheering quite yet.

I’ve got a feeling that Judge Pushover will spare the Heene’s from jail and impose a hefty fine on them instead. As a result of the hoax, local, state, and federal agencies figured the Heenes owe them approximately $43,000. This amount seems reasonable if you consider all the emergency services and helicopters and superheroes that were dispatched to help.

The Heenes’ attorney, David Lane, is trying to play hardball. He thinks a $43,000 fine is simply redonkulous: “If they’ve got records to show these are legitimate costs, then we can discuss it,” he said. “But, first off, these people don’t have that kind of money.”

Don’t feel bad for the Heenes. If they aren’t going to serve jail time as a lesson, then they should at least be paying out of pocket for this for a long, long time. They pulled a hoax on a national level, but it was only a pathetic attempt to land a reality show.

I’ve got a reality show idea for you — it’s called Richard & Mayumi Heene Rightfully Go To Prison and there’s a spin-off about their sons called Three Little Orphans.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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ARKANSAS — It is perfectly legal for a police officer to taser a suspect of any age — so long as the suspect is resisting arrest or posing some risk of potential injury to others.

A couple weeks ago, I reported on the Arkansas cop that tasered a 10-year-old girl at the command of her mother. If you haven’t read the article, click HERE.

(But don’t forget to come back and read the update, dumbass.)

Update: After investigating the incident, the Ozark Police Department has fired officer Dustin Bradshaw for failing to initiate the camera on his stun gun before using it.

Police issue taser guns have tiny video cameras pre-installed in them, and cops are required to activate the camera before discharging their weapon.

According to Ozark police chief Jim Noggle, officer Bradshaw had been warned several times to activate the stun gun’s camera and microphone on his lapel before taking any action — but Bradshaw was a rebel with no regard for the rules:

“Officer Bradshaw [once] stated that it is worth a 5 point deduction just so he would not have to carry the cameras,” Noggle wrote. “In the past he had been told to wear and use his cameras by me on several occasions.” [1]

In the meanwhile, Dustin Bradshaw can spend his unemployed hours taking self-defense lessons, so he can properly defend himself against A FUCKING 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “I’ll bet if MJ were still alive he’d be pissed!” — Patrick

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.

WINNIPEG, MANITOBA — When people in Winnipeg have problems, who do they call? Nobody. They just grab a baby and smash it into the concrete, or stab it in the head.

Three weeks ago, Tyler Bilsborrow rescued an infant when he saw a woman repeatedly smashing its face into the concrete outside his home. He recounted the grisly details:

“She just grabbed the baby and started smashing it like, ‘Ahhhhhhhh,’” says Tyler.

Nikita Eaglestick is the woman who abducted the baby girl and bashed her face in earlier this month. Prior to this attack, Nikita was out on bail for attacking a woman with a screwdriver. Judging from the picture below, she’s in some kind of violent gang.

Nikita Eaglestick throwin’ up Native American gang signs in Hell.

On Saturday, another brutal attack involving a baby was reported in the same housing complex mentioned above — only Tyler Bilsborrow wasn’t there to stop it this time.

An 8-month-old boy was rushed to the hospital in serious condition after being stabbed in the head during an argument between his mother and father.

“Police said that a verbal dispute between the father and the baby’s mother began inside the woman’s home around 4 p.m. and escalated when the man swung a metal object at the woman, who was holding the baby. Police wouldn’t say what the object was, only that it was metal, sharp and not something normally used as a weapon.” [1]

I’m guessing the weapon was a either potato peeler or a fancy knight’s helmet.

Both parents were suspected of drinking alcohol prior to the argument (surprise). “Dude, this weekend was crazy! I got drunk and stabbed my kid in the head with a potato peeler!”

The father was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, assault with a weapon, and two counts of violating restraining orders. The mother was not charged.

“Nothing to see here, people — except for that sweet bloodstain over there.”

And people say nothing interesting ever happens in Canada. Hah!

Sources: 1, 2

According to Jessica Simpson, I am an asshole.

If you recall my story from yesterday, Simpson’s dog was eaten by a coyote.

I’m not an asshole, Jessica. You’re a hillbilly bitch with a dick in your brain.

YOUR DOG IS FUCKING DEAD.