A few readers mentioned that the article was terribly skewed because it didn’t include any perspective from the police officers that responded to her grandson’s 911 call.

Varner’s story has gained massive popularity recently and surprising new information has emerged regarding the incident that happened in her apartment.

NEW “FACTS”

I originally stated that Varner’s grandson called 911 because his grandmother couldn’t remember if she had taken her daily medication or not. What actually happened is Varner told her grandson that she was depressed and contemplating overdosing on her medication. Unsure if she was serious, he called 911 and they sent 10 cops over.

Despite the initial claim that Varner was tasered simply for “taking an aggressive posture” in her bed, the police now claim that she had a knife and made death threats at officers.

Officer Thomas Duran reported that Varner was holding a knife when they entered her bedroom. She allegedly said to him, “If you try and get the knife I will stab you and kill you. I killed four Japs in World War II, and I would not bat an eye killing you.”

Officer Duran also wrote that Varner said “she was going to kill every officer that was in her apartment when she got out… she told me she was going to snap my neck like a twig just like she did during World War II.” As you can imagine, the officers were terrified.

Since the incident has become a national outrage, you’d think Lona Varner would be speaking out against the city of El Reno every chance she could get, but she isn’t. To the contrary, Varner has been nothing but rude to anyone who tries to interview her. It’s starting to look like this little old lady might just be an old grumpy bitch.

Varner and her grandson both completely deny the allegations that she threatened the officers, but I don’t believe that. In fact, I’d be willing to bet money that Lona Varner shouted a bunch of crazy shit at them because she’s most likely senile as fuck.

BOTTOM LINE

Regardless of whether or not Lona Varner had a knife or threatened to snap necks like twigs, that doesn’t change the fact that she is a helpless, withered bag of bones confined to a bed. My suggestion is the officers involved learn to tell the difference between a dangerous person and an Alzheimer’s patient.

I used to take care of my great-grandmother — she had Alzheimer’s disease. She threatened to stab, choke, or shoot me almost every day. She also thought she was half zebra and said she had George Washington’s penis in a box in the attic.

My point is, when there are ten police officers against one disabled grandma with a knife in bed, all you have to do is wait until she falls asleep and take it from her.

JUST KIDDING

A police officer should never have to use DISCRETION when using force on a civilian. Those cops had countless reasons to protect themselves from Lona Varner. Look at all the possible weapons and other threats that she possesses at her bedside:

Actual photo of Lona Varner.

Sources: 1

Richard Heene spots a spider crawling on the ceiling above him.

The Heenes looked disappointed after the judge announced their sentences yesterday — 90 days of jail for Richard and 20 days for his wife Yoko. Also, they have to re-pay every penny that was spent on chasing the balloon and investigating the hoax. Justice prevails!

Richard will serve two-thirds of his jail time in a work release program which allows him to work during the day as a construction contractor, but he must report back to jail each evening. His wife will be allowed to report to jail and serve her time on the weekends.

Furthermore, the Heenes were placed on probation for four years which forbids them from earning money related to the hoax, so even if Richard Heene wanted to write a bestseller called “Why I’m Such a Dumbass Jerkoff”, he couldn’t get paid for it.

Prosecutor Andrew Lewis said it best: “People around the world were watching this unfold. Mr. Heene wasted a lot of manpower and money in wanting to get himself some publicity.”

YAY FOR JUSTICE!

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.

Sources: 1

Last month, Richard Heene pleaded guilty to a felony charge of being a lying douchebag. His wife Mayumi also pleaded guilty to a similar misdemeanor charge. If things go favorably for the taxpayers, the Heenes face 2-3 months in jail. But don’t start cheering quite yet.

I’ve got a feeling that Judge Pushover will spare the Heene’s from jail and impose a hefty fine on them instead. As a result of the hoax, local, state, and federal agencies figured the Heenes owe them approximately $43,000. This amount seems reasonable if you consider all the emergency services and helicopters and superheroes that were dispatched to help.

The Heenes’ attorney, David Lane, is trying to play hardball. He thinks a $43,000 fine is simply redonkulous: “If they’ve got records to show these are legitimate costs, then we can discuss it,” he said. “But, first off, these people don’t have that kind of money.”

Don’t feel bad for the Heenes. If they aren’t going to serve jail time as a lesson, then they should at least be paying out of pocket for this for a long, long time. They pulled a hoax on a national level, but it was only a pathetic attempt to land a reality show.

I’ve got a reality show idea for you — it’s called Richard & Mayumi Heene Rightfully Go To Prison and there’s a spin-off about their sons called Three Little Orphans.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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A couple weeks ago, I reported on the Arkansas cop that tasered a 10-year-old girl at the command of her mother. If you haven’t read the article, click HERE.

(But don’t forget to come back and read the update, dumbass.)

Update: After investigating the incident, the Ozark Police Department has fired officer Dustin Bradshaw for failing to initiate the camera on his stun gun before using it.

Police issue taser guns have tiny video cameras pre-installed in them, and cops are required to activate the camera before discharging their weapon.

According to Ozark police chief Jim Noggle, officer Bradshaw had been warned several times to activate the stun gun’s camera and microphone on his lapel before taking any action — but Bradshaw was a rebel with no regard for the rules:

“Officer Bradshaw [once] stated that it is worth a 5 point deduction just so he would not have to carry the cameras,” Noggle wrote. “In the past he had been told to wear and use his cameras by me on several occasions.” [1]

In the meanwhile, Dustin Bradshaw can spend his unemployed hours taking self-defense lessons, so he can properly defend himself against A FUCKING 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “I’ll bet if MJ were still alive he’d be pissed!” — Patrick

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.

Three weeks ago, Tyler Bilsborrow rescued an infant when he saw a woman repeatedly smashing its face into the concrete outside his home. He recounted the grisly details:

“She just grabbed the baby and started smashing it like, ‘Ahhhhhhhh,’” says Tyler.

Nikita Eaglestick is the woman who abducted the baby girl and bashed her face in earlier this month. Prior to this attack, Nikita was out on bail for attacking a woman with a screwdriver. Judging from the picture below, she’s in some kind of violent gang.

Nikita Eaglestick throwin’ up Native American gang signs in Hell.

On Saturday, another brutal attack involving a baby was reported in the same housing complex mentioned above — only Tyler Bilsborrow wasn’t there to stop it this time.

An 8-month-old boy was rushed to the hospital in serious condition after being stabbed in the head during an argument between his mother and father.

“Police said that a verbal dispute between the father and the baby’s mother began inside the woman’s home around 4 p.m. and escalated when the man swung a metal object at the woman, who was holding the baby. Police wouldn’t say what the object was, only that it was metal, sharp and not something normally used as a weapon.” [1]

I’m guessing the weapon was a either potato peeler or a fancy knight’s helmet.

Both parents were suspected of drinking alcohol prior to the argument (surprise). “Dude, this weekend was crazy! I got drunk and stabbed my kid in the head with a potato peeler!”

The father was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, assault with a weapon, and two counts of violating restraining orders. The mother was not charged.

“Nothing to see here, people — except for that sweet bloodstain over there.”

And people say nothing interesting ever happens in Canada. Hah!

Sources: 1, 2

If you recall my story from yesterday, Simpson’s dog was eaten by a coyote.

I’m not an asshole, Jessica. You’re a hillbilly bitch with a dick in your brain.

YOUR DOG IS FUCKING DEAD.

We now have photos of the two officers involved:

Timothy Escola is a fucking PIMP. Ew, Janine. WTF?

30-year-old sex kitten Janine England was fired today after the video exploded on Youtube faster than Escola exploded in his Depends. A semen explosion, not diarrhea — that was later.

In the video, Janine looked closely at the backseat a few times. Nobody knows why, but she appeared to whisper something off-topic from the handjob she was giving. Distraction is key. “How bout that Michael Jackson memorial? K, look away now.”

I’m sorry you lost your job, Janine. Come work for me. I’ll pay you one dick per hour.

“In a preliminary statement on Monday after an initial autopsy, Hillsborough County medical examiner Vernard Adams said his examination found that Mays had ‘hypertensive heart disease,’ which refers to heart disease caused by high blood pressure.“

From this, we have learned that it’s not safe to be an eccentric person all the time.

Tone it down a little.

Alfie allegedly knocked up his girlfriend Chantelle when he was only 12-years-old. Some kids are early-bloomers, but Alfie looked more like a little boy than a teenager.

Shortly after The Sun printed Alfie’s story, several boys came forward and said that they too fucked his girlfriend Chantelle. Oops!

Even before the allegations from other boys, I predicted that Alfie was not the real father strictly on the fact that there’s no way this little kid could bust a nut 2 years before I did. Was I right? Yes.

DNA test results several weeks ago indicated that Alfie was NOT the father. Instead, some random kid named Tyler Barker is. He said that having sex with Chantelle was, “the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life.”

During all of the media chaos, Alfie wore this specially-made hoodie that said, “I’m the daddy! If I’m not, fuck you all, I’ll still be there.”

There really is a middle finger on the back of his head lol.

This is why I hate kids. They fuckin’ think they know it all. I hope Alfie Patten learned a huge lesson from this: never fuck girls named Chantelle. I have never met a girl named Chantelle that wasn’t a big slut.