Sledding is the art of descending a hillside slope at breakneck speeds while sitting on any flat object that enhances the sledding experience — like the hood of your neighbor’s car.

An important safety rule to remember when sledding is never wear a helmet — they obstruct your view. Also, if you see a person in your path, head straight for them. Chances are, you can injure them and pretend it was an accident. Life is about opportunities.

Men are genetically designed to abuse speed — velocity, not diet pills; that’s more of a woman thing — so the next level of speed-sledding involves strapping a rocket to a sled.

Rocket sleds require their own set of safety rules — for protection, hockey pads are totally unnecessary because they increase wind resistance (and decrease top-speed). Never wear them unless you actually enjoy looking like broke-ass Stormtrooper wannabe.

This is the proper way to rocket sled — notice the lack of troublesome “safety” features.

There are many different types of rocket sledding techniques. I prefer to secure a rocket directly to a reinforced steel sled because if I’m not wearing any body protection, I still want to be safe. The other method involves securing a rocket to your own back — naturally, this is a terrible idea. But it didn’t stop one Michigan man from trying it.

MICHIGAN – A 62-year-old man was hospitalized with severe burns Sunday after he attempted to rocket sled with a homemade jetpack rocket strapped to his back.

The unnamed man was hosting an annual sled party for his friends — he’s known to do something “crazy” every year. This year he filled a car muffler with gasoline and gun powder, strapped it to his back, and exploded half-way down the hill.

Witnesses were shocked. Nobody expected container of gas and gun powder to explode.

The man burned 20% of his body, including his face, but is in stable condition now. Clearly, the accident was caused by the wind resistance created by his jacket. Perhaps he should retry this stunt again next year, but use two rockets for more power, and wear a unitard.

Good thing it doesn’t snow a lot in the south because this would happen daily in Florida.

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