MISSOURI — Have you ever been struck by lightning or attacked by a shark? If you answered “yes” to either one of those, you’re still luckier than Lisa Long — she was randomly shot in the face while driving back from her Aunt’s yesterday.

Lisa Long, post-Octomom lip enhancement. “Pow! Right in the kisser.”

On Tuesday afternoon, Long was traveling West on a rural country road when a .30-caliber bullet suddenly whizzed through her window from the South. It tore through her cheek, knocking out one of her teeth, and landed on the floor next to her.

Long initially had no idea that she was even injured until she looked the rear-view mirror and saw a hole in her face with blood squirting out of it.

Adding to the weirdness, the bullet perfectly entered through a 6-inch gap in the slightly-opened window of Long’s car. Investigators believe the bullet was fired from a hunter’s gun up to a mile away, as it had lost much of its velocity before finding Long’s face.

Notice that Lisa Long has a bruised eye socket in the second (more-recent) photo, but not in her hospital photo. I think her husband has some explaining to do.

Unless you live in Detroit, the odds of a stray bullet traversing a mile of land, flying through the half-opened window of a moving car, and striking a driver in the face are about 1 in never. Despite this, Long considers herself fortunate.

“I keep coming back to this — I’m the luckiest person in the world,” she told reporters.

Bonus: Lisa Long is also the mother of two autistic children. Combine that with being randomly shot in the face, and I’m fairly certain that she is not the luckiest person in the world. If anything, God really hates this woman.

Sources: 1

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I’ve had intimate relationships with deer, so I know a lot about them — they are aggressive as fuck. A large male deer — or “buck” — can impale you with his antlers and kick your head in. If a buck attacks you in the wild, defend yourself with a large knife, not a gun (guns are violent). If you actually kill a deer with a knife, you are a fucking legend.

WISCONSIN — Deer have reached a new low. Mark Brye, a plumber from rural Wisconsin, woke up last week to the aftermath of a bizarre animal showdown in his backyard. His 640-pound stone elk lawn ornament was knocked over, and a dead deer lay 20 feet away.

The buck attacked the stone lawn ornament after mistaking it for a real animal. Boiling with frustration, the buck headbutted the stone elk hard enough to knock it over. It staggered 20 feet and collapsed from a self-inflicted crushed skull.

After Mark Byre reported the incident, the local conservation warden granted him permission to butcher the 180-pound deer for its tasty meat.

Deer are extra pissed off during the Fall because this is when the “Rut” begins. Most people call it the “Rut,” but it basically means “Fucking Season.” It’s the time of year when bucks get horny and look for fights — hmmm… sound like familiar behavior?

Deer are also capable of committing “douchebaggery.” (Notice the antler-like hair)

Byre’s elk statue remains on its side, too heavy to lift. “I can’t tip it back up until I get a whole bunch of guys to help me,” he says.

Sources: 1

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