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I’m going to cut straight to the point of today’s story: Tiger Woods cheated on his wife.

Pictured below is 24-year-old Jamie Grubbs, a cocktail waitress who lives in Los Angeles — she claimed that her and Woods had a 31-month affair, and then proved it.

Grubbs made headlines today after providing US Weekly with semi-scandalous voicemails from Tiger Woods. In one message, Woods is clearly panicked about getting caught:

“Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone [greeting]? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. If you can, please take your name off that and just have it as a number. Just have it as your telephone number. Okay? You’ve got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.” — Actual voicemail

BUSTED!

The only purpose of this image is to lengthen the article.

Earlier today, Woods apologized publicly for his “sins” and for the “transgressions” that hurt his family, but he didn’t elaborate on any dirty details. I don’t recall exactly how the apology went, but it was something like, “I’m sorry for my sins and for transgressing my penis into that girl’s vagina. And mouth. Oh, and butthole too. K, I’m done.”

Woods’ apology comes exactly one week after being accused by the National Enquirer for fucking a completely different woman — Rachel Uchitel. Those rumors caused a fight between Woods and his wife, Elin Nordegren. That night, Woods somehow crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant and then a tree in front of their house at 1AM.

I’ve heard a lot of people ask the question, “Why would Tiger cheat on his beautiful wife?”

Uh yeah, maybe with twelve layers of makeup Elin Nordegren looks like a princess, but upon closer inspection, she definitely resembles Woody Harrelson.

Tiger WOODS… WOODY Harrelson… wait a minute!