Today, I spent three hours searching the web for videos of old people fighting. There is a serious lack of documented fights between the elderly. If you ever get to witness one, cherish it, but PLEASE try to record it as well. Be a responsible witness.

The title of this sharticle says it all. I now present you with the top 5 old people fights on YouTube. If you can find better ones, post the links in the comment section below!

#5 This video shows an old woman arguing with a drunk old man outside in what I’m guessing is England. The woman has an outstanding arsenal of vulgarity. If you listen closely, the old man is accusing her of having sex with black men.

#4 While I wouldn’t consider these women elderly, they are still in their 40s or 50s — and until I turn 30, that’s still considered “old” to me. The best part of this video is when one woman kicks the other woman’s shopping bag and everything flies out of it.

#3 The man in this video doesn’t take shit from anyone. When he tells a woman outside church that she’s “suspended” for something, she slaps him. With cat-like reflexes, he strikes back with a knuckle sandwich right to the face. Punch first, ask questions later.

#2 This fight is the real deal… only it’s over before it really begins. As both men throw a single punch at each other, the aggressor steps forward for more, but loses balance and takes a hard fall on his shoulder and face. Someone take Grandpa back inside and change his diaper.

#1 I could watch this all fucking day. This is the real reason handbags were invented.

Taser International is an ambitious company. They are constantly trying to improve upon their famed air Taser gun. Weapons can always be improved — sharper blade, faster bullet, bigger robo-dick w/ lubricating ability. All improvements.

The air Taser is already damn near perfect. It’s simple — point, shoot, stun, laugh. It’s clean — there’s no blood to clean up unless the victim bites their tongue off during a spasm. And watching a midget get tasered was hands-down the best thing ever.

“Wow, that does sound like fun! How could the Taser be improved?”

I’m glad you asked, Lakeesha. I’ll tell you.

Occasionally, the air Taser gun would misfire, leaving you defenseless. Nothing is more embarrassing than a Taser misfiring right after you scream, “GET READY TO RIDE THE LIGHTNING!” If this happens, I recommend peeing yourself and begging for mercy.

The air Taser also only fires one shot and it’s spent — kind of like me, but the air Taser won’t stalk you for weeks and masturbate outside your window on Thanksgiving.

Recapping the cons of an air Taser gun: It blows one load and sometimes shoots blanks.

Not anymore, bitches. Say hello to my lil’ friend, the TASER X3.

This new masterpiece of destruction can fire THREE electric-thingies without reloading. That means you can attack one person three times, or one person twice and another person once, OR three different people at once. If one of those shots misfires, you still got two left — just don’t repeat that “ride the lightning” thing, or you’ll sound like an asshat.

Bonus: Check out this Youtube video of a man using the Taser X3 to stun two attractive women and one decent-looking (I’m being generous) woman. This guy has the best job ever!

Finally there’s a practical sex toy for the man with three testicles!