Russia just got a little more bleak. As of July 1st, all gambling is banned in the Motherland.
According to Reuters, “Russia closed down its casinos overnight as gambling was banned nationwide, a move the industry says could throw a third of a million people out of work. Though gaming establishments knew the shutdown date for at least a year, few thought the government would go through with it, but officials moved in overnight to close them down.
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin first proposed the ban in 2006 after the Interior Ministry “linked several gaming operations in Moscow to Georgian organized crime.”
Russians hate Georgians like Americans hate everyone.
The government promised that gambling can eventually resume, but all casinos must relocate to small “development replacement zones” in the middle of nowhere — far from the previous gambling capital, Moscow.
“The [new] zones have no roads, water or electricity. We fulfilled the law by shutting [down], the government did not fulfill it as the zones are not ready yet,” said casino director Yuri Boyev.
Gambling can be an addiction, so it’s also a public health concern. Because of this, some addicted gamblers are relieved by the casinos closing.
“Maybe this is all a good thing. I’m a family man and I come here every day and lose all my money. I’ll be happy to see them go,” said a 40-year-old Muscovite.
Those crazy Muscovites!
Wait… what the fuck is a Muscovite? I remember this word from 8th grade Geology:
Muscovite: A common rock-forming mineral found in igneous, metamorphic and detrital sedimentary rocks.
A 2-year-old girl was strangled to death by a 12 foot Burmese python this morning, in Florida of course. Police are now questioning the mother and her boyfriend to find out exactly what happened and if this tragedy could have been prevented.
This picture is a dramatization.
The murderous snake was owned by Charles Jason Darnell, boyfriend of the young victim’s mother. Because Burmese pythons can grow so large, their owners are required to have a permit, but Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission said that Darnell did not have one. He now could face charges of child endangerment and neglect.
Darnell told police that he put the python in its aquarium in the living room last night. When he woke up this morning, the snake had escaped and was on top of the 2-year-old in another room. He stabbed the snake with a knife to free the child, and then called 911.
The home where it all went down.
Anyone who has owned a python knows that they are a lot smarter than they look. I used to have a 3 foot ball python, and he escaped once — much to the dismay of my kitten. Luckily, he got hungry again after a couple of weeks and actually returned to his aquarium. That’s a smart fuckin’ snake!
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission says that people often release pythons into the wild if they grow too large. The snakes thrive in Florida’s climate and end up doing crazy shit like eating alligators and exploding afterward.
The most badass thing to happen in nature, ever.
I recommend every snake owner release their slithery friend back into the wild so more stuff like this happens — alligator-snake explosions, not the strangle death of children.
You may know Kendra Wilkinson as one of the three main whores in “The Girls Next Door” — a reality show about the pathetic gold-digging lives of three Playboy models and and their geriatric boyfriend, Hugh Hefner.
There is nothing sexy about this. At all.
Kendra’s favorite hobby used to be counting the cancerous moles on Hef’s dick, but one day, she came to her senses and said, “I don’t need to live with this old bastard and be supported by him. I can just as easily find a professional football player and do the same thing without having to worry about him dying when we have sex.”
On Saturday, Kendra married Philadelphia Eagle Hank Baskett at the Playboy mansion, while ex-boyfriend Hef watched from the crowd. “Those are my sloppy seconds,” Hef reportedly screamed during the reception.
Only special pigeons fitted with cameras could take pictures.
This is a huge fail on both the bride and groom’s part. Let’s look at the facts:
1) Kendra is only 24-years-old. It is already common sense that 24 is far too young to get married, especially when you’ve lived the party-all-day, suck-dicks-all-night kind of lifestyle that Kendra has. You can’t just quit penile-addiction overnight.
2) Kendra lived in the Playboy mansion from around 2004-5 until 2009, and then got engaged to Hank while she was still living with Hef. Either my timeline is incorrect, or something is wrong here.
3) Hank Baskett is only 27-years-old. In less than two years, he will realize that he agreed to spend the rest of his life with Kendra Wilkinson, who’s only aspirations in life are to show her tits and be provided for. Combine this with the recurring thoughts that his wife used to put her lips on an 83-year-old penis. Eventually, Hank will have a mental breakdown. “I’m sorry, I know I said I didn’t care that you fucked Hef, but I keep thinking about it and it’s just really gross,” Hank will say.
5) After their divorce, Kendra will take a large sum of Hank’s money and then disappear. She will remarry less than a year later and do the exact same thing to another man. Ultimately, she will win the game of life for being a bottomless cunt.
OK, OK, I’m just kidding. I’m sure everything will work out fine between these two lovebirds. Marriage between young couples rarely goes sour, especially when the bride’s moral values begin at blowing an 83-year-old man in exchange for a free room at the Playboy mansion. Yeah, Kendra Wilkinson knows about love, for sure.
Congratulations Kendra and Hank. Now go fuck yourselves!
Reuters.com has just informed us exactly how Billy Mays kicked the bucket.
“In a preliminary statement on Monday after an initial autopsy, Hillsborough County medical examiner Vernard Adams said his examination found that Mays had ‘hypertensive heart disease,’ which refers to heart disease caused by high blood pressure.“
From this, we have learned that it’s not safe to be an eccentric person all the time.
The Hollywood grim reaper has struck again! Famous people are droppin’ like flies.
“HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! I KNOW YOU’RE DRUNK AND PASSED OUT ON YOUR FRIEND’S COUCH AT 4AM, BUT WAKE THE FUCK UP BECAUSE I’VE GOT A TOWEL I WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT!”
Billy Mays, also known as the “OxiClean Guy,” died this morning. REST IN PEACE, BILLY!
According to the Tampa Police Department, “Mays, 50, was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Florida home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday.”
Billy’s wife Deborah found his body and made a statement to the press this morning, but rather than giving us helpful details, she says this: “Although Billy lived a public life, we don’t anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times.”
Hey, I just wanna know how he died. Billy claimed that he was an avid user of the products that he sold on television. What if they gave him cancer? I use OxiClean to clean my bong! I also use Kaboom to clean dried semen off the shower walls — it’s the only place I can masturbate without being interrupted by my cat. She’s so darn curious!
I never used those ridiculous Zorbees towels though. Shamwow is far superior.
Since the cause of death is unknown at this point, we can play a little game. First, watch this “bonus footage” video of Billy Mays “goofing around” during one of his commercials:
Now let’s try to guess what Billy Mays died from. Here are my guesses:
1. Heart Attack
2. Stroke
3. Brain aneurysm
4. Cancer from one or more of the follow products that he sold: OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, Engrave It, Handy Switch, iCan, Mighty Mendit, Mighty Putty (regular) & Mighty Putty Wood, Hercules Hook, AwesomeAuger, Steam Buddy, Zorbeez, Big City Slider Station, The Ding King, ESPN 360, Energize, Impact Gel Insoles, Omni DualSaw, Jupiter Jack, What Odor?, Tool Bandit, SIMONIZ Instant Shine, SIMONIZ fix it! (regular) & fix it! PRO, Gopher, Samurai Shark, Grater Plater, Ragazzi’s Pizza, and Green Now!
5. Swine Flu
6. Whatever Chris Farley died from (I can’t remember if it was drugs or fat)
Post your cause of death guesses in the comments section below.
Since Michael Jackson was pronounced dead this afternoon, I have heard these exact words from 37 different people: “Michael Jackson is dead, but his spirit lives on!“
I started thinking to myself, what if his spirit really is living on? And furthermore, let’s just pretend for a second, that he really was a child molester. Wouldn’t his spirit be… evil?
Michael Jackson’s spirit wouldn’t gather a bunch of professional dancer zombies and charm you with a remake of Thriller in the streets. Think again, buddy. He’s gonna go haunt-touch some little kids.
Haunt-touching a supernatural version of normal sexual molestation, but not quite as bad because the offender has no physical form — he’s a ghost, so his hand goes right through the child. They cannot technically touch themselves either. Double bummer, eh?
I had a hunch that Santa Maria, California could be in danger if Jackson’s ghost was on the prowl. Santa Maria is one of the closest suburbs to the Neverland Ranch, where Jackson’s restless spirit retreats to just before dawn.
This is the aerial view of Santa Maria that a spirit would have if it were flying around, looking for children to haunt-touch.
We need to evacuate this town.
Luckily, only the usual Catholic altar boy molestations have been reported since Thursday.
But what about Los Padres National Forest, located right next to the Neverland Ranch?
I thought, “Surely there are Boy Scouts hiking through Los Padres! They’re all in danger,”so I contacted Los Padres National Forest to warn them about the possible haunt-touching that could occur. Surprisingly, they were well aware of the situation!
Working full-time at the national forest’s lookout post is an expert team of um, national forest people. They do things like watch for forest fires, shoot rabid coyotes that attack hikers, and suck the poison out of a rattlesnake bite. They let you die if you get bitten in the penis.
They asked to remain anonymous. Jerks.
The Los Padres lookout facility boasts the latest ghost-detecting gadgets, such as this thing — the GhostMaster 3000. It does something with sound and invisible gamma rays that make your testicle hair fall out if you stand too close.
Ghosts hate this thing.
With all this technology and concern for the kids’ safety, I’m pretty sure we won’t hear anything more about Michael Jackson, except for good things. Better safe than sorry though. That’s all I’m sayin’.
“Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon and paramedics were unable to revive him. We’re told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back.”
This is not some kind of a sick joke. Michael Jackson actually died today, people.
More on this story as it develops…
Update: Jackson’s death confirmed in the L.A. Times:
“Pop star Michael Jackson was pronounced dead by doctors this afternoon after arriving at a hospital in a deep coma, city and law enforcement sources told The Times.”
Last week, I wrote about the 18-year-old girl from Belgium who “fell asleep” while getting a few stars tattooed on her face, and woke up with half of her face covered in stars. If you recall, her name was Cunty McMasterson. As it turns out, Cunty wanted those tattoos. All 56 of ‘em.
“I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them, but when my father saw them, he was furious, so I said I fell asleep and that the tattoist had made a mistake,” Cunty told a Dutch TV crew.
“This is my sad face.”
Seriously though, none of us have the right to judge Cunty. We’ve all blamed other people for our mistakes. For instance, one time I shat the bed and blamed it on the cat. It worked too because I was a little kid and my turds were really small like cat poop.
