I’ve got a midget that works for me under the table. Not because I don’t have an “authorized midget employer” permit, but because he’s too short to see over his workstation — so he works under it. His job is to alert me whenever a male celebrity gets arrested for (or goes on trial for) hitting a woman — then I write a story about it.
My midget has a very simple job, and he fucked it up. Did you know Charlie Sheen got arrested for assaulting his wife with a knife on Christmas? I didn’t. Normally, I would have released the dogs on my midget for letting that whopper slip by me, but he informed me that Sheen appeared in court today to be charged. I suppose my midget can live.
COLORADO — Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller were seen leaving an Aspen courthouse Monday, holding hands and smiling. One might think they just won a big lawsuit, but nope — Sheen was charged with three felonies for assaulting her.
On Christmas, Mueller told police that she threatened to divorce Sheen and take their twin sons with her. He replied by brandishing a knife and saying he could have her killed. Notice the clever use of words — he did not say “I will kill you,” but merely imposed that the possibility of her having an “untimely death” was in his hands — which is still a threat.
Sheen’s charges include felony menacing, assault, and criminal mischief. Apparently, only gangsters in movies can get away with threatening a hit on someone.
Sheen denies holding a knife to his wife’s neck, but admits to smashing her eyeglasses and “slapping her arm.” Smashing her glasses was a proper battle tactic, but arm-slapping? Replace that with a tit-slap and you’re onto something, Charles.
This isn’t the first time Sheen has terrorized a woman. In 1990, he accidentally shot actress Kelly Preston in the arm with a gun — she married John Travolta a year later (fail). Sheen was also charged with threatening his ex-wife Denise Richards with violence in ‘97.
But despite her husband’s death threats, Brooke Mueller wants the charges dismissed. “They hugged in the courtroom, they hugged downstairs and they are hugging in the car,” her attorney told reporters. I’m sure it was a real Jim Beam and Kodak moment.
If convicted, Sheen faces prison time and whatever else a person usually gets for felony menacing and assault — I forgot how long they locked me up for it.
CHINA — After Chen Chuanliu’s 4-year-old daughter was kidnapped a few weeks ago, he didn’t want to take any chances on losing his 2-year-old son. Losing a daughter isn’t a big deal to most Chinese parents, but male children are very important to the family. A pedicab driver by day, Chen only has one child left and he’ll do anything to keep him safe.
Rather than spending his wages on a babysitter, Chen chains his son to a lamppost.
Despite the fact that some most people consider this blatant child neglect, there are several benefits of chaining your child to a lamppost outside a Beijing mall.
1) One less mouth to feed. Face it, it breaks peoples’ hearts to see a starving child on the street. Eventually, someone will give that kid some food, then you won’t have to.
2) Possible fighting career. When this kid grows up, he’s going to be a martial arts champion. Chuck Norris also spent his childhood chained to a lamppost in Beijing.
3) Bait. Like a worm on a hook for fishing, a baby chained to a lamppost is impossibly tempting for wild animals and child molesters alike. “Tonight, we eat coyote!”
4) Tetherball. If your baby doesn’t survive the winter chained to a lamppost, the least you can do is have some fun with it before the funeral. Get the neighborhood kids to join!
Besides, if chaining your kid to a lamppost is so “bad,” why hasn’t anyone stopped it?
Personally, I would choose a babysitter over a lamppost. I can’t have sex with a lamppost.
Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You could be happily married for over a decade, then one day, your wife confesses that she sucked the penis of a teenage boy.
MICHIGAN — 32-year-old Norma Lira has three children with her husband. When her teenage daughter brought a male friend home one day last year, Norma was attracted to the new young man. “I’m gonna end up blowing that kid,” she thought. So she did.
Admit it: Slap some real eyebrows on her and you’d tap it.
Norma tried to hide the secret from her husband, but most women are emotional wrecks and it’s easy to read them. Her husband knew something was wrong, and (hopefully) beat a confession out of her. Afterward, he called the police and reported her crimes.
As of yesterday, Norma was being held at Oakland County Jail on a $50,000 bond, “after she turned herself in following a month-long investigation.” Her arraignment was set for today, but no updates have been posted.
Fun Fact: If you rearrange Norma Lira’s name, you get Roman Lair.
There should be a prison built specifically for MILFs like this. The MILF prison would have special cameras installed in the showers and toilets. The inmates would be forced to maintain their “hotness” through rigorous diet and exercise — and they would have to be naked all the time. They would also be forced to MILF Fight.
In a MILF Fight, I would pit Norma Lira against Michelle Kemp, a 30-year-old MILF from Florida who was charged last year with having sex with a teenager and giving him drugs.
Michelle Kemp, lookin’ good in stripes. My boner says, “hi.”
I’m shocked there isn’t MILF prison in existence already, especially in this day and age when all good ideas are taken. I nominate myself to be the warden of this facility if it ever gets built. I also forgot to mention all the MILFs have to share one bed — with me.
Some words have double meanings. Take the word “penis” for example, it could refer to two things: most obviously, the male genitalia — but it’s also my nickname for you.
“Groundhog Day” is another term that means two different things. Groundhog Day was an awesome movie starring Bill Murray, but it’s also an asinine holiday invented by some jerkoff who had a sexual penchant for rodents — no, not Richard Gere.
According to folklore, groundhogs can predict the weather. On February 2nd, if a groundhog sees its own shadow, we’re in for 6 more weeks of winter weather. But if the groundhog fails to see its shadow, then winter will supposedly end sooner. Yeah, OK.
People gathered in large numbers today all over the US and Canada to see if the almighty groundhog in their town would see his shadow. And the result: WHO GIVES A FUCK?
Take a moment to consider the pure absurdity of Groundhog Day. Since groundhogs can’t speak, each town that holds a Groundhog Day event must elect a “groundhog ambassador” — his job is to interpret groundhog emotions and convey them to the public.
“Fuck my life.” — Groundhog
Canada completed a study in 13 cities to measure the “groundhog weather prediction success rate” for the last 30 to 40 years. According to the study, groundhogs were only correct 37% of the time — in conclusion, groundhogs don’t know shit.
If someone wishes you a happy Groundhog Day today, just give them a cold stare because they don’t even deserve a response from you. You’re better than that.
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Pretend for a second that you’re a Portland police officer rushing to the aid of a man who is completely engulfed in flames. It’s up to you to save his life!
You grab something from your trunk that resembles a fire extinguisher and douse the man with its contents, but the fire continues to burn and the man dies. Later, it’s revealed that the fire extinguisher you used was actually an industrial size canister of pepper spray.
That was quite careless of you. Are you: A) Retarded, B) Blind, or C) A woman?
OREGON — 26-year-old Daniel Shaull set himself on fire Wednesday in the streets of downtown Portland. When a police officer saw the burning man from her car, she ran out and sprayed him down with a fire extinguisher big fucking canister of pepper spray.
The officer didn’t know she had used pepper spray until another officer found the empty can later at the scene. Meanwhile, Daniel died of his burns in the hospital.
Daniel’s father told interviewers that his son had a history of mental illness. “I had a feeling something was going to tragically happen,” he told reporters. “He was tired of living.”
Portland Police Bureau Chief Rosie Sizer refused to name the officer involved, but said the she will not face any disciplinary action for her mistake. The chief also added, “In many, many ways, her acts were heroic.”
I had a suspicion that Chief Rosie was exaggerating, so I broke down the officer’s actions and created a pie chart to see how many ways her acts were heroic.
Imagine if you were the burning man, Daniel Shaull — the last couple minutes of your life really sucked dick. You’re engulfed in flames and thinking, “This is it… this is the end.” And then here comes a woman who not only pepper sprays you, but empties an entire tank of pepper spray on your burning flesh. The most painful death ever was made even worse.
Female police officers should stick to what they do best — nothing.
