There’s a buzz going around the internet right now regarding child labor. MSNBC has reported that a British man bought a new iPhone and was surprised to find a picture on it that was taken from inside the iPhone assembly factory. In the picture, a young girl poses while taking a break from assembling. Since people can’t be happy unless they’re complaining about something, questions were immediately raised about the girl’s age and working conditions.

“Get back to work, bitch!”

The British man who bought the phone posted the picture on MacRumors.com and received hundreds of comments on it within hours. One user said, “She looks about 12 or 13 to me! I don’t think [Steve Jobs] (Apple’s CEO) is going to be impressed at all. It looks a little bit too much like child labor.”

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment because he was probably at an Asian massage parlour, getting a handjob from a 9-year-old.

Let me just clear something up. Almost all Asian people look younger than they really are.

This is actually a 47-year old Asian man.

Is there any point to drawing negative attention to a girl who was obviously just having a little fun during her insanely boring work day? The only crime in that photo is that stupid fucking hat that she has to wear. If she’s in China, the government has most likely already murdered her entire family for jeopardizing the country’s relationship with Apple Inc.

Way to go, ass hats. She was cute too.

Until today, Arkansas never seemed like a place I’d ever care to visit. Aside from the World Championship Duck Calling Contest and the world’s largest can of spinach, Arkansas just kind of seemed like a boring place with nothing fun going on. That is, until I found out about the PFC - Pre-School Fight Club.

The first rule of Fight Club is never tell your parents about Fight Club.

In Fayetteville, Arkansas, two day care “teachers” were fired after allegations that they were organizing fights between three and four-year-olds during play time at a local church.

You know, I remember pre-school quite well and I would never consider the people who worked with the children to be teachers. Mainly, they were just a bunch of bitter old bitches that forced bologna and ketchup sandwiches down our throats. Occasionally, they would help me with my zipper in the bathroom when I couldn’t get my pants down, but they never really taught me anything except that it’s not good to drink my own pee. Back to the story:

Police started an investigation last week when parents complained that their kids were coming home with bruises. Apparently, two day care employees would gather the children in a circle and make two of them fight each other while the others watched.

I think people need to really think about this before being like, “This is terrible. How can someone make these precious little children fight each other?”

Kids are dicks. If it’s illegal to slap them around when they are being little shits, then why not let other kids do it for you? Furthermore, how much harm could toddlers really do to each other? This was good, clean exploitation and the rules were clear: No biting, kicking, hair pulling, or weapons.

I hate to be one to look at the realistic side of things, but this whole ordeal took place at a church. The children probably benefitted from fighting. Now they have some self defense skills the next time their priest tries to touch them.

Prevent this from happening to your kids by enrolling them in Pre-School Fight Club!

The guestbook is up and working now. Unfortunately, due to compatibility issues, I lost all of my old guestbook entries. I’d like everyone to sign the guestbook again and leave your e-mail addresses as well.

Also, my new myspace account can be added HERE, so go do that right now if you haven’t already.

Since most of you probably share my hatred of Britney Spears, I thought you’d find this Youtube video interesting. We all know that Britney has a beautiful voice - she just doesn’t use it while performing. It has long been known that she lip syncs during her performances. Personally, I think this is acceptable. Afterall, how can she possibly grind on all those cocks and sing at the same time?

But have you ever wondered what she would actually sound like if her microphone was “accidentally” recording while she rubbed her vagina across the faces of her male dancers and pretended to sing? Here you go:

If I found a magic lamp and a genie inside granted me three wishes, one of those wishes would be that I could watch Florida news channels from Michigan. I’m thoroughly convinced that alligator piss has tainted the water and is driving Florida residents insane. And you know what? It’s fuckin’ great!

48-year-old Frankie Lewis was arrested on Sunday in Ocala for pulling a knife out during a church breakfast buffet and threatened to cut members of the congregation who refused to give him butter. Frankie, you’ve got it all wrong.

Here are a few scenarios when it’s appropriate to pull out a knife:

1) “Hey dude! Check out the knife I got for Christmas!” *Pull out knife*

2) “This steak is too tough to cut with my fingers.” *Pull out knife*

3) “I hate having a penis and I don’t want to be a man anymore.” *Pull out knife*

In Frankie Lewis’ case, this is pretty much exactly how it went down at the buffet:

Frankie: “Can I please have some butter for my biscuit?”

Church-goer: “No, sorry. We don’t have any butter.”

Frankie: “I’m having a bad day and all I want is some fucking butter.”

Church-goer: “OK, now you’re definitely not getting any butter. Please leave.”

Frankie: (Pulls out knife) “If I don’t get some fucking butter for my fucking biscuit, I’m gonna cut your Jesus-lovin’ face off!”

Church-goer: “Ahhhhh! OK, here’s your butter!”

Frankie: (Puts knife away) “Thank you.”

As Frankie put the knife away, he was struck in the head with a wooden board wielded by another church member. He stumbled out the door, fled via bicycle, and was arrested down the street. He’s currently in jail and being charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Frankie, I’m passionate about my butter too. Don’t worry, friend. I hear they have awesome butter in prison and you can also use it as lube when you’re spankin’ off in your cell for the next few years.

In Shakespeare’s novel Julius Caesar, there is an interesting quote by Julius himself: “Let me have men about me that are fat, sleek-headed men and, such as sleep o’nights. Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much, such men are dangerous.”

As a kid, I could relate to this quote because it seemed like all my happiest friends were the same kids getting picked on for being fat. Large people generally tend to be jolly - take Santa Claus for example.

Thin people are generally shady characters that always seem to be up to something diabolical - like me.

I didn’t pose for this. This is actually how I approach women.

Sad times are upon us when I can’t even turn my back on a 500 lb. Italian without wondering which part of the Jersey coast my bloated dead body will wash up on. Damn the mafia.

I was thinking maybe Caesar’s passage should be rephrased to, “Let me have morbidly obese men who cannot lift themselves from their beds and, such as sleep o’nights.” This seemed more appropriate in today’s society because I figured that there had to be some kind of a weight threshold that just makes it impossible for a person to commit any crime. I wholeheartedly believed this until today.

Police are still trying to figure out what to do with 27-year-old Mayra Lizbeth Rosales, who is accused of murdering her 2-year-old nephew. You see, Mayra shatters the scales at a whopping 1,000 pounds, and prison doesn’t really have the amenities for her. She’d have to be served a terrifying three meals a day and have access to fresh air and exercise equipment. What a horrible thought!

Well, it’s not just that Mayra can’t handle such a drastic change in her lifestyle. The main issue is that police can’t get her out of bed, and even if they could, she wouldn’t fit through her door.

Unless she can magically disassemble her body, have a group of Olympic weight lifters carry the pieces to a flat-bed truck and then haul her to Mexico, she ain’t goin’ nowhere. She’d never even get through customs!

Listen, fuckers. It’s not that hard to figure out what to do in this situation:

Keep her under house arrest (as if she had a choice). When her trial is over and she’s convicted, give her the death penalty. Get Ethiopia on the phone and tell them that we have a surprise for them… Barbequuuuue!

Little Mutumbo can’t wait much longer for some ribs.

Ugh, I hate having to write a post about something as lame as my Myspace account being deleted again, but here I sit. I don’t know why this has happened again. The only plausible conjecture I can deliberate [hehe] is that Tom received a cell phone call and it went like this:

Myspace security: “Tom! It’s happened again, sir. Dustin made a new profile.”

Tom: “My God, man. How much time do we have until people start adding him?”

Myspace security: “Sir, he already has over 300 friends on his new profile. We just found out. I’m so sorry, sir.”

Tom: “Noooooooo! You fools! If his new profile isn’t deleted in five minutes, you’re all fired and your families will be eaten by tiny sharks with tadpole bodies. Goodbye.”

*CLICK*

Myspace security: “Tom can be such a dick sometimes.”

Tom: “Aha! I’m still on the line!”

So, add my new account again. Hopefully this is the last time:

www.myspace.com/sidecarsallydotcom

Oh, and I’d really like to thank the shitbag that stole the URL myspace.com/sidecarsally before I got a chance to take it. Real original, pal.

Most of you reading this have probably seen the movie “Free Willy” about a kid who befriends a killer whale in captivity and later sets him free. Pfft. This would never happen in real life.

In Australia, tragedy struck the whale hugger community today when Colin, an orphaned humpback whale calf was euthanized after being deemed too weak to care for itself. First of all, who the fuck names a whale Colin? I think Flippy or Blowie is much more appropriate.

Colin, err, Flippy the whale.

Colin was discovered early this week, floating adrift by himself and trying to suckle milk from nearby boats. What an idiot! Boats don’t have nipples or milk. This whale had it comin’.

Some people tried to save Colin by creating feeding apparatuses, but by the time everything was ready, it was too late. As a last resort, an Aboriginal whale whisperer came to visit Colin with hopes of trying to cure him with magic. Dressed in feathers and face paint, he stroked the whale passionately and sang a weird song until Colin was like, “fuck this” and went to suckle from a tugboat.

“I was just singing to him! It was the OTHER guy’s idea to give him fellatio.”

After Colin’s condition rapidly got worse in the last 24 hours, experts decided that he was suffering terribly and the most humane thing to do was kill him. His death was peaceful though because he died in the water surrounded by angels. Oh wait, no he didn’t. Officials dragged him onto land, covered him in a tarp, and whispered, “die motherfucker” in his whale ear as gave him a lethal dose of anesthetic. Brutal.

Rest in peace Colin. I’ll pour a little liquor out on the beach for you, brotha.

My perils continue into the week. I’ll have a good post for you later when I get back from the bar. I really need a drink.

Myspace deleted my account for having custom HTML that hid the Block button on my profile. I didn’t even get a warning, just 1,800 friends gone in a heartbeat. If I knew exactly who was responsible for this, I would put a herpes curse on their entire family. Not just genital herpes either; I’m talkin’ about every form of the virus - pink eye, shingles, cold sores, etc.

Everyone needs to add my new profile:
http://www.myspace.com/fatchicksgivegoodhead

Also, I’ve noticed some people commenting on the archives. I’d appreciate if you stayed out of any archived stories that were written before May of this year. I still have to convert the code to HTML and re-post it so the pictures show up on the articles. Otherwise, you’re just reading a block of text that won’t even make much sense without the images to assist the punchlines.

I’ll be back in a little bit to post a story about a lonely baby whale. Byeeeee.

Sorry for the lack of updates today. I quit smoking cigarettes and it’s been rough. I wish I could grow to the size of Jupiter and kick our planet into the sun, where everyone (except my readers) would perish in a fiery rage.

When I’m feeling angry, I like to unwind by watching violent TV shows. I came across something yesterday and it might possibly be one of the best ideas in our lifetime. Picture this: Godzilla vs. Mothra, but on a much smaller scale.

I’m not talking about action figures. I’m talking about Japanese Bug Fighting. In Japan, almost everything is legal - drugs, murder, rape, and bug fighting. Yeah, that’s right. Bug fighting.

In America, we can’t have bug fights because of pesky organizations like PETA. If you’re a PETA supporter, then I suggest you do a little research on why the founder, Ingrid Newkirk, is a hypocritical shitass who deserves to be stuffed in a cage and hooked to a milk machine until her ovaries implode.

Anyways, back to the bug fighting. The popular Japanese show pits insects against each other in a dual to the death. Since I have been a slacker today, I figured I could at least introduce you to something new and awesome, so feast your eyes on the future of animal cruelty:

I’m not a fan of wasps, but I fucking hate centipedes, so I was really disappointed with the outcome of this fight. Some people call this animal cruelty, but I think that’s bullshit. They are bugs. As far as I’m concerned, if you wouldn’t allow something to crawl all over you and sleep in your bed at night, then you should definitely be allowed to cram it in a small arena with an equally disgusting creature and let them kill each other.

I tried to stage my own bug fight but all I had was pubic crabs and head lice. You need some kind of high-powered camera with macro ability to even see what was going on.

As you all know, I’m a sucker for weddings. I watch Bridezillas on the Wedding Channel and tell my roommates that my eyes are only watering because my allergies, then I change the channel to Ninja Warrior. Truthfully, I cry like a little bitch every time I see people exchanging their vows.

Pffft.

If I really was crying, it’s because every time I see another fucking wedding, I just lose a little more hope for humanity. Why can’t people just choose to live out their miserable lives in solitude? I’ll never wish someone good luck on their marriage because I don’t even want to waste those two words - I’d rather save them for a person getting an AIDS test.

Furthermore, most people don’t even know what a nice wedding is anymore. Women are supposed to have some kind of fantasy ceremony that they have been dreaming about since birth. You know things have gone terribly wrong when you’re drinking Kool-Aid in your garage with an RV and Aunt Bertha is scarfing down the buffet in a blue velour jumpsuit.

How can these people be OK with this?

Speaking of weddings, super-dyke Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married this weekend. I’ve had a miniature crush on Portia since I first saw her in a shampoo commercial like 8 years ago. Needless to say, I was devastated when I found out she only eats clam sandwiches… Ellen’s clam sandwich nonetheless.

Ellen doesn’t make an attractive lesbian and her jokes are terrible. I can’t even say that she’s a man trapped in a woman’s body, because she doesn’t even have a woman’s body. She looks like an outgoing 19-year-old boy with a testosterone deficiency.

Why, Portia? Why?

And since this wouldn’t be Sidecarsally if I didn’t have some horrific wedding story, I’d like to humor you with a recent story from Michigan.

Andy Somora and Anna Pastuszwska got married on a Michigan beach on July 19th. Don’t even try to pronounce her last name, by the way. I spend 5 minutes trying to annunciate each syllable and got a tongue burn.

Andy and Anna, only hours before the impending chaos.

After the wedding (which was rained on the entire time), the couple and their friends/family held the reception at an art gallery. Later on, the police were called by the gallery owner after some of the guests got shit-faced and threw a lamp through a plate glass window.

When the cops showed up and told everyone to leave, Andy Somora got angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. He lunged at an officer while his new wife clung to him like a dingleberry sticking to an ass hair. The officer pulled out a taser gun and shocked both of their asses back to 1982.

Anna didn’t fall during the Cha-Cha Slide. That’s the face of a bitch who just got tasered and has no idea what the fuck is going on.

And now for the icing on the cake:

Anna and Andy spent the night apart in separate holding cells with random strangers. Sounds like an amazing honeymoon. Two nights later, police responded to a noise complaint and allegations that Andy had pushed his new wife. They were both arrested and tasered again for being uncooperative.

I like Andy and Anna - they have pizazz. If crazy stuff like this happened all the time, I would be so much more excited to go to weddings. I would go to weddings of people I don’t even know and spike the punch to instigate some fights. Who wants to be my accomplice?