posted on May 15th, 2012 by Dustin at 4:36 pm (EST) with 11 Comments
Earlier this Spring, I wrote about the popular “health food” snack in China known as virgin boy eggs — hard-boiled eggs soaked in the urine of young boys who are presumed to be virgins.
Aside from eating feces straight from the anuses of children, I couldn’t imagine a more bizarre and disgusting entrée; that is, until I heard about ground-up fetus pills.
According to several reports, South Korean customs officials have seized thousands of capsules containing the powdered remains of dead fetuses. The pills allegedly have stamina boosting properties. If you consume the powdered remains of a dead fetus, you absorb the fetus’s essence and gain its stamina. Makes sense, right?
How can you fit a fetus into a pill capsule?
That’s a great question, Jaqueefa.
First, the fetuses are chopped into smaller pieces and placed on a stove top to dry out. Once the pieces are dried out, they’re ground into a fine powder and stuffed into small dissolving capsules.
Sorry, I need to stop writing for a moment. I’m getting really turned on.
OK, I’m better.
Nobody was arrested for smuggling the pills from China because they were intended for personal use only. Plus, dead babies are as plentiful in China as insects are in the rainforest, so nobody REALLY cares what happens to the corpses as long as they keep disappearing.
Chinese people will consume virtually anything if they hear that it reverses aging or gives you a stronger erection. This is one of the setbacks of having Facebook banned in China: nobody can post a status about how the crushed rhino horn pill only made them constipated.
I don’t know why China doesn’t accept Western medicine. We’ve got amazing drugs that can cure everything from depression to erectile dysfunction and the only side effects are really minor things like suicidal tendencies and liver failure.
posted on May 9th, 2012 by Dustin at 4:54 pm (EST) with 19 Comments
Pop quiz, hot shot: While getting drunk, you run out of alcohol and need to make a trip to the liquor store, but there’s no babysitter available to watch your kids. Do you A) call a friend and have them bring you booze, B) go to bed disappointed, or C) pile your kids into the car and drive drunk to the store?
If you answered “C,” then you’ve almost recreated Aaron S. Stefanski’s Monday night. All that’s left to do is strap the four kids to the hood of your car in the liquor store parking lot and get arrested for DUI and felony neglect while driving home. You read that correctly.
A witness near the liquor store called police after he saw Stefanski and a woman secure the kids to the hood of his car with a tow strap and then drive away.
A nearby U.S. Marshall spotted the vehicle and pulled it over after intercepting the police call with his radio. He immediately recognized Stefanski’s vehicle by the four children strapped to the hood.
The children, ages 4, 5, 6, and 7, were unharmed. According to reports, the three youngest kids were Stefanski’s and the eldest was the daughter of the woman that he was arrested with.
Stefanski allegedly told police that he thought the kids would enjoy the ride, and that he was only going to drive around the corner. His blood alcohol level was 0.17 — more than twice the legal limit in Indiana.
Both Stefanski and his female accomplice were arrested. Stefanski was charged with three felony counts of neglect of a dependent, felony operating a vehicle while intoxicated, and four misdemeanor counts of criminal recklessness. The woman faces a felony neglect charge and her child was turned over to the state. Stefanski’s three kids were turned over to their mother.
A man with 0.17 BAC shouldn’t be driving, but should still be coherent enough to realize that the best (read: least obvious) way to make room for the booze would be to cram the kids in the trunk.
Stefanski’s Facebook profile can be viewed HERE. Troll away.
posted on May 5th, 2012 by Dustin at 2:57 pm (EST) with 11 Comments
Violet D’Mello recently celebrated her 60th birthday by becoming a chew toy for two adult cheetahs.
Anyone who owns a cat should know that they are bi-polar dicks. It hurts when an angry house cat buries its claws in you, so imagine a 150-pound cheetah going bi-polar on your ass.
That’s what happened to Violet. One minute she was posing for photos with the beautiful cats, and the next she was on the ground with her neck in the jaws of a Hell Beast.
Luckily, her husband was there to save her take photos of the mauling.
While his wife writhed on the ground, screaming as the two cheetahs bit her on her legs, stomach, head, and neck, he was clueless that she was in peril. In one photo, Violet seems to be looking over her shoulder at her husband with that “why the fuck aren’t you helping me” look in her eyes.
The mauling lasted a few terrifying minutes. While her husband continued taking photos (I love this guy!), a trainer helped chase the animals away with a stick.
An 8-year-old girl was also mauled and suffered minor injuries, but there are no pictures of her being attacked, so she only gets an honorable mention in this article.
Violet suffered cuts and punctures all over her body and took a cheetah claw to the eye, almost causing her to lose it. Once the animals were a safe distance away from her, her husband approached and lifted her off the ground like Superman coming to the rescue.
Trainers at the park believe that a running child in the enclosure may have caused the cheetahs to get agitated. Great parenting starts with letting your children run around inside a wild cat enclosure.
The trainers also suspect that another nearby cat in heat could have caused the two male cheetahs to become aggressive. So there you have it: the cheetahs either wanted to play rough with a running child, or fuck it — and it all led to Violet D’Mello getting mauled and her husband taking great photos of it.
Despite this attack, thousands of people will continue to ignore common sense and place themselves in harm’s way because they’ve just gotta touch the skin on a rhino’s balls, or smell a lion’s breath.
If you’ve ever stood by while your spouse was helplessly mauled by wild animals, please share your story below and don’t forget to post the photos!
posted on May 2nd, 2012 by Dustin at 11:08 am (EST) with 11 Comments
All it takes is one look at 44-year-old Patricia Krentcil to notice that she has serious issues. Krentcil, a Caucasian woman by birth, is so addicted to tanning that she makes Wesley Snipes look albino.
No beauty without pain.
To compliment her brown leather skin, Krentcil generously applies a thick border of dark lip liner around her mouth, further enhancing the WTFness of her appearance. Her skin is so radiated and destroyed from ultraviolet rays that her vagina looks like my actual brown leather wallet.
I’d post a photo of my wallet, but it’s NSFW.
Krentcil’s tanning addiction is by all means her choice, but she was recently arrested after allegedly introducing her 5-year-old daughter to the world of skin cancer.
Police were notified by her daughter’s school administrators last month when the little girl showed up to school sporting some sexy sun burns. Krentcil was charged with child endangerment shortly after.
Krentcil strongly denies the charges against her, claiming that her daughter got sunburned by playing outside. However, when a school nurse asked the little girl how she got burned, she replied innocently, “I go tanning with mommy.” — Ratted out by her own kid!
The tanning salon in question was not charged with a crime because they had no knowledge of Krentcil’s actions, but in New Jersey, it’s illegal for children under fourteen to use a tanning bed.
Krentcil was released on $25,000 bail and her daughter is now in the father’s custody. Krentcil has four other children and it’s unknown if she’s ever forced them to fake n’ bake with her too.
If the charges against Krentcil are valid, she should be forced to have her skin bleached as pale as her daughter’s — a fair-skinned little ginger. Of all people to force-tan… a ginger.
I still love you mommy, even though you hurt me.
It disgusts me that a mother would go to such an extreme to alter her baby’s appearance. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta get back to this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.
posted on May 1st, 2012 by Dustin at 11:06 am (EST) with 7 Comments
In the movie “Taxi Driver,” Robert De Niro plays a taxi driver who slowly goes insane over his infatuation with an underage Jodie Foster. He ends up going on a murderous rampage, shooting several people. I saw that movie when I was in elementary school and ever since then I’ve been afraid of taxi drivers.
This week, 47-year-old Guercy Edmond reminded the world not to screw with taxi drivers after he completely ran over a 23-year-old man, leaving him hospitalized with serious injuries.
Edmond can be seen in the screen capture below running over a man who was a passenger in his cab only moments before an argument over the fare ensued. He now faces hit-and-run, assault, and dangerous driving charges.
WHO’S REALLY TO BLAME?
I’m going to approach this differently than other news sources and immediately blame this whole thing on the passengers of the the taxi based on one single assumption: The passengers were most likely drunk and the driver was not. Update: THEY WERE DRUNK.
The handful of news reports and witness accounts that I’ve read primarily pin the blame on Edmond, the driver. After all, he DID run over a man. Therefore, it must be his fault, right? Wrong.
I don’t think it’s that simple. If you watch the video below, you see a group of men ruthlessly kicking and beating the taxi cab. Right before the victim gets struck by the vehicle, one man even jumps on the hood.
Imagine for a moment that you were Edmonds and had just chauffeured four rowdy drunkards around in your taxi. After arguing about the fare and not paying, they exit the vehicle. You try to stand up for yourself, shouting at them and demanding your money. Instead of paying, they cause thousands of dollars worth of damage to your vehicle by surrounding it and kicking it.
Your most logical options for survival are: 1) Get out and physically fight four intoxicated men. 2) Wait in your car and call the police while mindless drunks vandalize the shit out your vehicle. 3) Try to escape by driving away and hope everyone moves out of the way.
If I were Guercy Edmond, I would have gotten out of the taxi and calmly performed a single roundhouse kick that would make perfect contact with the heads of all four assailants, killing them instantly.
Unfortunately, Edmond is not me. He chose the next logical option and frantically drove away.
Witnesses said Edmond appeared to be aiming for the four men, but watch the video again — he was trying to escape. Wouldn’t you react the same way if four men were destroying your car? I know your 2001 Cavalier isn’t worth that much, but it took you months to save the $800 to buy it and I doubt you’d helplessly sit there while people repeatedly kicked it.
It’s ironic how quickly the assholes of this story turned into the victims. The only person who was arrested was Guercy Edmonds, not the guys who were caught on film jumping on his taxi and kicking it.
In the extraordinarily unlikely case that I’m wrong and the four passengers were NOT drunk, then they have even less of an excuse to be kicking and jumping on the taxi.
Alternate angle of an asshole kicking Edmond’s taxi.
After the hit-and-run, the police quickly caught up with Edmond and arrested him. He now faces several years in prison. I’d like to call forth everyone to add him on Facebook and show him some support.
Update: Guercy Edmond was granted bail.
I’d like to see the amount of support for Edmond rival the KONY 2012 movement. Edmond didn’t kidnap children and create child soldiers. He accidentally ran over a drunk guy who fucked with his car.
I created a Facebook fan page dedicated to posting cute kitten pictures and promoting justice for Guercy Edmond. Please like and share the page and feel free to share your opinions and/or kitten photos.
I have a special hatred for anyone who vandalizes a vehicle. I’ve owned two cars that got huge dents kicked into the side of them on separate occasions by random dickbags.
In the end of “Taxi Driver,” De Niro’s character was hailed a hero because everyone that he murdered was a lowlife thug. Why can’t Edmond be hailed a hero for plowing into some drunken turd?