This is the most fucked up thing I’ve written about since that one lady cooked her baby in a microwave.

Some redneck bastard in Arkansas bashed an innocent cat’s head in this week and scrawled “Liberal” on its body. The cat was not a Liberal, but its owner Jacob Burris is.

Burris is Arkansas Democrat Ken Aden’s campaign manager. Some local psychopath didn’t like Aden, so he decided to take his anger out on his campaign manager’s cat. Following that logic thus far?

Me neither.

One of Burris’s younger children found the cat on their porch with its head bashed in and the word “Liberal” painted on its fur. Burris probably decided it was best to blame it on Santa Claus, that way his child would be shielded from the harsh reality that there’s a potential serial killer in the area.

“Santa had the night off and decided to stop by and pet Fluffy a little too hard.”

The only thing that was accomplished through the death of Fluffy was thousands of internet readers and animal lovers lost a little more faith in humanity. Burris isn’t quitting his job as Aden’s campaign manager, and Aden sure as hell isn’t quitting his career in politics over a dead cat.

Burris is taking the cat killer’s message seriously though. “I’ve got a gun and I know how to use it,” he told reporters. “If I have to protect my kids, I’ll do it without hesitation.”

This is a prime example of why we should start teaching our cats self defense.

If there are any Liberal-hating cat torturers reading this, first of all, fuck you — and secondly, everyone knows the best way to piss off a Liberal is to smoke in a public place. Leave their cats alone.

Source: 1

Do you hear that little raspy sound, like a balloon being deflated, or a queef?

That’s the last remaining breath of love between Heidi Klum and recording artist/model Seal dying. The couple is calling it quits after eight long years of “why the fuck is she with HIM?”

Seal can’t help how he looks. His scars were caused by lupus when he was young — contrary to what you’ve heard, he did NOT take a cheese grater to his own face.

But all kindness aside, we all know that Heidi Klum and Seal were a mismatch. Seal needs a woman that isn’t out of his league… someone like Juliet Lewis or maybe even Adele.

A lot of people wanted to see Klum and Seal’s jungle love flourish, but I was too jealous to ever feel that way. But the fact that Heidi was able to look past Seal’s appearance and love him for who he is INSIDE really made me think less of her.

Now that I finally have a chance to get with Heidi Klum, the real question is, after Seal has ripped her love muffin open repeatedly for the last eight years, do I REALLY want to?

Of course I do. Heidi, hit me up and we can bang like unsupervised retarded people.

Unfortunately, Heidi is on the cusp of being too old for me. I’m sure she’s got a few good years remaining before everything starts sagging, but would it really be worth throwing away my current life to pursue an aging supermodel? Again, the answer is yes. Heidi, I ain’t playin’. Holler at me.

Photo credit: 1

The ugly, smug-looking bitch in the photo above is Behnaz Yazdanfar, an ex-cosmetic “surgeon” who recently had her license suspended for two years after she killed someone back in 2007.

Yazdanfar killed Krista Stryland during a routine liposuction procedure in 2007. The maximum volume of fat and fluid removed should never exceed 5 liters, but Yazdanfar removed 6.6 liters from Stryland.

After the procedure, Yazdanfar spent about 30 seconds evaluating Stryland before moving on to another patient. Stryland bled excessively for 30 minutes in a pool of fluids before Yazdanfar called 911.

While doctors rushed to save Stryland, Yazdanfar went to dinner with a colleage. “I think I just killed a lady,” she said. “That always puts me in the mood for Thai.”

Stryland died in the hospital with her hemoglobin count ten times lower than the usual critical level.

She was a wife and a mother of a small child.

Yazdanfar was accused of many things from not evaluating Stryland long enough after the operation to waiting too long to call 911. Simply put, Stryland would not have died that day if it wasn’t for Yazdanfar.

Lawyers were hoping that Yazdanfar would get her license revoked forever, but the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons decided instead to suspend her certificate for two years and fine her $200,000 — none of which will be given to Stryland’s family.

Yazdanfar is prohibited from ever operating alone again, but she can pick up the knife in two years and assist with surgeries. She can also apply to have her restrictions loosened, but will have to prove that she’s not an ignorant careless bitch anymore.

Stryland wasn’t the only patient’s safety that Yazdanfar didn’t respect. She’s been accused of performing many excessive liposuction procedures and discharging patients without an adequate evaluation.

Basically, if you’ve ever been to the Toronto Cosmetic Clinic (the clinic that Yazdanfar owned), you might want to book a follow-up exam with a real surgeon.

The Good:
If you make the poor decision to drink and drive, and you end up running over a pedestrian and killing them, you will go to prison for years. That seems fair to me.

The Bad:
Within a year, we’ll have mandatory prison sentences in Canada for people who get caught growing or selling cannabis. Some assholes agree with that, but I don’t.

The WTF?:
If you’re a rich doctor that commits serial malpractice which leads to the death of a patient, you get a little slap on the wrist and get to carry on with your life, minus a few restrictions at work.

Hopefully, I’m not the only one that realizes that our justice priorities are fucked in this country.

On the plus side, Yazdanfar will probably do cosmetic work for really cheap when she gets her license back. I think I’ll pick her to be the lucky one that gets to bleach my anus.

You know the Mythbusters Jamie and Adam, right? If not, stop reading this article right now, slap yourself (that’s from me), and then continue reading. Watch more TV, you lazy fuck.

If you know Adam and Jamie, then you probably know their three assistants too: Douche guy, Asian guy, and hot/slutty redhead. They design and perform all the mythbusting experiments while Adam and Jamie relax in comfortable chairs somewhere.

Despite dozens of dangerous experiments, the Mythbusters crew maintained a flawless safety record for over 8 years. Yesterday, a 30-pound cannonball tore a massive hole through that record.

Douche and Asian guys had just finished giving each other handjobs while thinking about the hot/slutty redhead on Wednesday. As they simultaneously ejaculated into each other’s mouths, the redhead was the only one outside setting up the cannonball experiment — huge mistake, letting a woman set up a cannonball experiment by herself.

I don’t know if that dual-handjob part is accurate, but somebody definitely aimed the cannon too high. The projectile was supposed to fire from the cannon, through several drums of water (to slow it down), through a concrete wall, and then imbed itself into a hillside.

What happened instead was the cannonball missed the water drums, smashed through the wall, and then bounced off the top of the hill, which sent it flying 700 yards off course.

The cannonball bounced off one home’s roof, then smashed through another family’s home, exited through an upstairs window, and came a rest after hitting a parked van.

The family inside the damaged home was sleeping and didn’t awake until the dust had already settled. This clearly wasn’t their first cannonball attack.

The Mythbusters’ insurance will cover all expenses resulting from the mishap, and Jamie and Adam met with the family to apologize and sign autographs. “Sorry that our assistants almost murdered your family — here’s our signatures!”

The cannonball episode will still be aired, but the mishap will most likely appear as a blooper on next season’s DVD. I can’t wait to see the look on the Asian dude’s face when the cannonball misses its mark — Asians never make mistakes!

I’ve reached my maximum limit of irritation: I’m sick and tired of hearing Adele on the radio. I get it — she has nice pipes and can sing like the Dickens, whatever that means, but that doesn’t mean she should be played on every station 800 times a day.

This morning, I got to work, poured a cup of coffee, and sat down to enjoy my day. My chi was nearly centered when “Rolling in the Deep” came on at 8:59am — one minute before my work day began.

I sell cars, so I decided to go sit in a 2012 Dodge Journey and enjoy the heated leather seats and satellite radio instead of Adele. I tuned it to the one station that I knew wouldn’t be playing Adele — the Disney station. Immediately, Justin Bieber’s “Under the Mistletoe” started playing. Nice.

I relaxed and enjoyed the smooth tones of Biebers boycal chords until the song was over. Expecting some Selena Gomez to play next, I almost shat myself when the next song was “Rolling in the Deep.”

Even worse, the dickholes at Disney CENSORED the song’s lyrics. The phrase “fever pitch” was inexpicably edited to “fever fever,” along with another non-vulgar, non-suggestive phrase.

I’m not even going to bother investigation Disney’s censorship guidelines, but I would like to know why, with the countless child artists and Disney movies with musical sing-a-longs, would Disney play Adele.

There has to be some kind of conspiracy directed specifically at me led by Columbia Records. I must be part of a secret case study to see how much Adele I can listen to before turning murderously violent.

Either that, or there’s a separate conspiracy going on where everyone else is retarded, and I’m the only person that realizes that Adele is being grossly overplayed.

If Adele ate a hamburger for each time a radio station played one of her songs, there wouldn’t be any cows left on the planet… except for Adele. Even Adele is probably sick of hearing Adele.

OMFG as I began writing this paragraph, Adele’s “Someone Like You” just came on the radio, further validating my rant. This shit needs to stop, or else I’ll have start looking for Xanax on Craigslist again.

Please call your local radio stations and tell them to chill out on Adele.