Chuck Norris and I have a special relationship — we communicate with each other telepathically. Today, I was wishing Chuck a happy birthday when our brain link was interrupted by the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death.

Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.

Guy #1: “Dude, did you hear about that massive earthquake that happened in Chile this morning? It was way more powerful than the Haiti quake, bro!”

Guy #2: “Holy shit, that sucks. I hope everyone’s alright there.”

Guy #1: “You dumbass, fuck those people — the news is reporting a massive tsunami heading to the coast of pretty much every country in the fucking world, bro. More people are gonna die!”

Guy #2: “Fuuuuck, dude. What should we do!?”

Guy #1: “Let’s turn on CBS and watch the shit smash Hawaii into a million pieces.”

*** 3 HOURS LATER ***

Guy #1: “Ah, that was a great dump I just took. I didn’t hear you shout for me, so I assume I didn’t miss any tsunamis smashing into Hawaii. Any updates?”

Guy #2: “You were in there for 45 minutes — I thought you fell asleep on the shitter. Nah, the ocean level raised a few feet, but that’s it. And what’s worse, they’re calling THAT a tsunami.”

Guy #1: “I guess technically a 3-foot wave can be a tsunami if it really was caused by the earthquake, but that’s bullshit! I can’t believe I wasted three hours on that.”

Guy #2: “Are you upset that you didn’t get to see a bunch of people die? I thought you just wanted to helplessly witness the raw power of nature live on CBS.”

Guy #1: “I’m not a fag like you, man. I don’t get my jollies from stormy weather and butterflies and shit. I like death and people scrambling for their lives while being ripped away from their loved ones by a big fucking wave.”

Guy #2: “You should just hang out at Rosie O’Donnell’s pool in the summer then.”

Guy #1: “Oh snap, you’re bad.”

Guy #2: “Just shut up and fuck me already.”

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, guys. I decided to take miniature vacation instead of worrying about when the next drunk mom from Florida would drop her baby in the street, or when the next guy would stab his ex-girlfriend’s fish for revenge, or when the next rapist would accidentally target an underage transvestite. It’s all I was thinking about!

So what does a man do when his mind is filled with images of mistreated children and mentally-ill drug addicts on violent PCP binges? He finds a secluded beach and tans for a few hours. So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing — and it feels fucking great.

Yes, this is really me on a private beach wearing my famous (in Europe) speedo. I rule.

I have to wear a speedo because it constricts my massive erection and prevents it from forming a tent-like structure (as it would in trunks), which would cast a shadow and disrupt my frontal tan pattern. I’ll be heading home once the horny group of nubile women around me diminishes a bit (you can’t see them from that angle in the picture above).

In the meanwhile, post a comment below and I might check it after I get back from shark hunting tomorrow. But not typical shark hunting — I’m talkin’ about riding on a shark’s back while it kills another shark underwater. Me and Manny “Sharkman” Puig invented it.

He’s not really that tall — I was kneeling next to him. His head really is that big though.

While shark hunting is extremely dangerous, the biggest threat to a man in the ocean is having his cock bitten off by a sea turtle. They may appear like peaceful creatures, but behind their placid eyes roam vicious cock-biting thoughts.

The reason you’ve never heard this is because most men who get their dicks chewed off by a sea turtle end up getting savagely torn apart by sharks immediately after. I know a guy who once saved a drowning sea turtle by removing it from a fishing net. After he was free, the turtle turned right around, looked him in the eye and said, “Fuck you!”

But enough about turtles and sharks. I’ll be resuming regular updates soon.

With the recent occurrence of natural disasters (Haiti, Rosie O’Donnell, etc.), people are in need of hugs. Somebody did a survey about hugs once, and it showed that most people enjoy hugs from beautiful large-breasted women — those who do not enjoy it were assumed to be hugtarded and unable to understand what a proper hug is.

This is a reverse male-to-male hug as seen in Brokeback Mountain. This is not a proper hug.

A legitimate hug must be performed in close proximity with another person, and it should feel natural. If your gut is telling you not to hug someone, you probably shouldn’t because they might notice your awkwardness and fear of touching them. True Fact: Fear can cause men to get unwanted erections which can turn awkward hugs into felonies.

There are two main scenarios involving hugging someone while sporting a boner: Accidental and intentional. Each situation must be handled with delicacy to be successful.

ACCIDENTAL BONER HUG

Sometimes a person will catch you off guard with a hug while you’re daydreaming about Hillary Duff and Megan Fox taking a shower together, and then BAM — you’ve got wood and didn’t know until it was too late. What do you do when your stiffy stabs someone?

1) First, try to play it off as if your penis was perfectly soft to begin with. Maintain eye contact with the person and watch their body language closely; everyone reacts differently the first time they hug a dude with a raging hard-on. This passive response will diffuse 99% of accidental boner hug incidents.

2) If the person takes offense to your organ, they are now considered a victim. Get out of the room quickly and keep your head down.

You may decide (for whatever reason) to intentionally hug a person while a boner lurks in your pants. Should you keep it a secret and then share the story later with friends, or jam it into your partner with brute force? I will discuss both methods.

INTENTIONAL BONER HUG

1) “Jenny! I haven’t seen you in forever. You look great! Gimme a hug you silly bitch.” *DOINK!* “Haha, you feel that? I totally hugged you with a boner, and I’m pretty sure you liked it. Let’s get out of here and go back to my place and bone.” — this was a true story.

You must be at least somewhat attractive to pull this off, or have a seriously impressive rod. But don’t abuse the power — no one likes a bragger.

2) If utilized correctly, the method above can also be used in a romantic setting — nothing says “I care” like your fully engorged shaft pressing against her. She’ll be jackin’ your beanstalk in no time.

Not everyone is an exhibitionist though. Most people prefer to keep their meat a secret.

SECRET USES FOR YOUR JUNK

Crop-dusting is the art of rubbing your erection on as many people as you can in a crowded area without being discovered. It is important to keep moving as you weave in and out of a concert audience, crotch-first. Pat a person on the opposite shoulder as you pass behind them, touching your crotch to their backside in the process.

A legendary crop-dusting move involves brushing the bursting crotch of your pants across the back of someone’s head while shuffling down the aisle of a theater.

This man was arrested during the show when his zipper pulled a woman’s wig off.

Society tends to look down on people who derive please from scandalous acts — sexual deviants is another word for them. But without these people jerking off outside our windows, I wouldn’t have any DNA to plant at the scenes of my own crimes.

Your erection can get bring you great success or great failure. It can land you in stare-offs or make-outs, film or prison. But usually, it leads you back to the free clinic for an STD test.

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

I watched a film called Bad Biology last night, and now I must share the story of its awesomeness with you. Earth would be a better place if everyone bought this movie and learned from it. It’s about a boy with a giant mutant penis and a girl with seven clits.

THE PLOT

Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other’s existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a highly entertaining love story. [1]

THE GOOD STUFF (SPOILERS)

Jennifer is a violent nymphomaniac who makes a living as a photographer. Throughout the day, Jennifer gets so uncontrollably horny that she is forced to masturbate — that’s because she has seven clitorii in her vagina and can enjoy seven times the pleasure.

At night, Jennifer goes on the prowl for men at bars and nightclubs. She’s a decent-looking blonde, so it’s easy for her to find a guy to fuck. Occasionally, she will murder them after.

Here’s where it gets weird. After unprotected sex, Jennifer almost instantly starts having labor pains. Within hours, she gives birth to a fully-developed hideous mutant baby. She promptly discards the screaming bloody miscarriages in the nearest garbage.

Jennifer giving birth hours after sex. This happens more than once in the movie.

Jennifer’s “condition” has made finding love difficult for her. Some guys don’t seem to mind her mutant gash, but the constant abortions are a real deal breaker for most. She becomes infatuated with another man when she discovers that he also has a dark secret…

Batz has a walloping mutant zombie penis from the 5th dimension. When he was born, the doctors removed his penis instead of his umbilical cord by mistake and it never really worked right again — until he began injecting growth hormones directly into it.

The injections caused a massive growth spurt in Batz’s member and it gained its own consciousness, allowing it to communicate with him through telepathy.

Each day is a daily struggle for Batz — Man Vs. Meatsword — and his constant need to ejaculate pushes his sanity to its limit. He is obviously not the right combination for Jennifer, but all she can think about is being ravaged by his prehistoric shaft.

Fed up with Batz’s attitude, his manhood decides to detach itself from him and go on a midnight rape spree. Later, Jennifer discovers the detached dong suffering from steroid-withdrawal and juices it back up so she can ride it into orgasm heaven.

Jennifer finally experiences true pleasure for once, but at what cost?

THE “OMFG YES” MOMENT (SUPER SPOILER)

After the final climax, the shriveled, lifeless mutant penis is expelled from Jennifer’s body, and then her labor pains begin. She dies abruptly and everything is silent for a few seconds — until a deformed human-penis baby emerges from her womb and runs away.

The End.

THE CONCLUSION

Vaginas with seven clits, detachable mutant cocks, and human-penis babies — these things are essential to film like beer and porn is essential to humans (men) for a tolerable life. Every movie I watch from now on is gonna suck unless it contains one of those three things — or boobs, obviously. I donated $5 and a copy of this DVD to the Red Cross.

Sources: 1

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